Can love arise out of freedom?

"Imagine God in Heaven surrounded by the choirs of adoring angels singing hosannahs unendingly..."If I create a perfect world, I know how it will turn out. In its absolute perfection, it will revolve like a perfect machine, never deviating from My absolute will." Since God's imagination is perfect, there is no need for Him to create such a universe: it is enough for Him to imagine it to see it in all its details. Such a universe would not be very interesting to man or God, so we can assume that the Dvinity continued His meditations. "But what if i create a universe that is free, free even of me? What if I veil My Divinity so that the creatures are free to pursue their individual lives withotu being overwhelmed by My overpowering Presence? Will the creatures love Me? Can i be loved by creatures whom I have not programmed to adore me forever? Can love arise out of freedom? My angels love me unceasingly, but they can see Me at all times. What if I create beings in My own image as a Creator, beings whoa re free? But if I introduce freedom into this universe, I take the risk of introducing Evil into it as well, for if they are free, then they are free to deviate from My will. Hmmm. But what if I continue to interact with this dynamic universe, what if I and the creatures become the creators together of a great cosmic play? What if out of every occasion of evil, I respond with an unimaginable good, a good that overwhelms evil by springing out of the very attempts of evil to deny the Good? Will these new creatures of freedom then love Me, will they join with Me in creating Good out of Evil, novelty out of freedom? What if I join with them in the world of limitation and form, the world of suffering and evil? Ahh, in a truly free universe, even I do not know how it will turn out. Do even I dare to take that risk for love?"

_________________

William I. Thompson "The Time Falling BOdies Take to Light"

Friends.

Lately i've been realizing how much i truly love my friends. It's not that deal where it's just "love you, meant it!" It's real, i would do anything to help you, keep you safe, make you laugh, keep you close, type love.

I think one of the hardest things i had to deal with in 2009 was coming to terms that i was loosing some very, very close friends. Regardless if it was because of false rumors, unneeded drama, or feelings that needed to be talked about but weren't, it hurts. It hurts to see people you love go on with their life without you, not even giving a second thought to catching up or keeping you in the know. It hard to watch a friend move on because a boy got in the way of how things were. Or to grow apart from a best friend, for reason you don't even understand.

I know one thing, looking back on friendships and the good laughs shared, i thank God that we got to walk through life together, even if it was a short time.

On the other end, one thing i LOVE is best friends that are amazing. My best friend since 8th grade is the bomb.com and i don't know how to say it otherwise. Although she's in Clemson things are still solid and i think we're still learning stuff about eachother, which is weird since i'm not sure there is much left to learn. And growing closer to people you've known for a while, what a blessing. All around, i'm so thankful God has blessed me with some amazing people in my life, whether it was a short but sweet friendship or an on going one, i treasure each one.

Moving on, i'd like to express how excited i am for 2010. I don't know why, i've never really been excited for a new year so this is a weird feeling. But needless to say i'm pumped for whatever it has in store.

Behold the Glory that's before me.

"How happy some o'er other some can be!

Athens I am thought as fair as she.

But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;

He will not know what all but he do know:

And as he errs, doting on Hermia's eyes,

So I, admiring of his qualities:

Things base and vile, folding no quantity,

Love can transpose to form and dignity:

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;

And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:

Nor hath Love's mind of any judgement taste;

Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:

And therefore is Love said to be a child,

Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.

As waggish boys in game themselves forswear,

So the boy Love is perjured every where.."

over break i plan on reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

we'll have to see how it goes, since i have 3 other books i want to read also.

Along with those books, i plan on getting back into the swing of things with writing.

writing everything.

including this. those of you who have beleaguered me to write something worth reading, hopefully you will be happy once it actually happens.

break starts tminus 15 hours & i'm out of here for a month=Praise.

you'll have to forgive me...

I've just been informed that my blog is out of date.
So sorry friends.
I've been busy with college life stuff.
I know, i know-that's no excuse. BUT i'm going to use it anyways.

Even though "Excuses are the nails that built the house of failure"
it's okay, because i already know i'm a failure, but that i'm also saved by grace.

So we're good right? Great. I promise i'll get on this soon. I want to.

I actually realized yesterday that i miss writing alot. I never get a chance to do it anymore. I threw out two songs yesterday, out of thin air, and it felt like i had taken a huge breath of fresh air.

So i think i'll throw myself a welcome back party soon and get to work on something.

until then.

London bound.

Today at two I will be boarding a plane and after a day of travel will eventually end up in London. I’m super pumped for our group (about 16 people) who are going on this mission’s trip. It’s definitely going to be an experience. We are doing a kids camp along with service projects and similar things in the afternoons. I know I’ll come back with a million stories about the actual work that God did through us there… but I’m also super excited for all the fun times that are bound to happen. There will be funny stories out the wazoo with the group of people that have been combined.

Our good times have already started since this morning a few of us decided to try to beat jet lag by waking up at 3 am so that it would be about 6 or 7 London time. We plan on sleeping on the long plane ride and this will hopefully go ahead and put our bodies on London time. Four of us decided instead of waking up at 3 on our own we would wake up and go eat breakfast together to try to wake ourselves up.
So this is what my morning has looked like so far:
-Woke up at 3:30 from a call from Lindsey because I slept through the other 5 alarms that went off.
-Drove to the Ihop on assembly and had a awesome breakfast with Tom, Lindsey and Ali (downed about 3 cups of coffee...)

-Drove to the state house
-For some reason it took us a while to find parking even though it was only 5 am… that tricky downtown parking will mess with you when you are sleep deprived.
-walked around the state house.
-filmed a video of Linds, tom & ali running up the stairs to eye of the tiger.
-walked to one of the parking garages on gervais
-woke up a homeless man (by accident) on the stairs and proceeded to take the elevator from there.
-sat on the top of the parking garage and waited for the sun rise

-it finally came and was beautiful and well worth the wait.

-drove to the river walk.
-walked the river walk.
-left the river walk.

So now I’m just hanging out (trying to keep my eyes open.) We are meeting at the church at 11 then we are off! I’m so excited. Please keep our team in your prayers!

Blessed.

Sometimes i forget how blessed i am... then i remember who i have as a best friend.

Since 7th grade church band practice, to walking to each others houses just to hang out, rolling pumpkins down hills, driving all over town wasting a ton of gas just because we could finally drive, sitting at starbucks on a saturday nights reading the news paper because we had nothing better to do and figured that was the cool thing, going to a million random shows and never fitting in with the crowds dress code, waking up super early on sunday mornings to church hop, helping me paint my porch just because she's a good friend, going to books a million to sit and read magazines, borrowing clothes like there's no tomorrow, always being patient with my constant worry and crazy storys, also always being willing to slap some sense into me... literally, to letting each other drive the others car just because we're lazy, to going on missions trips together and signing up for camps when we were the only highschool girls, to going to the others house with a planned nap on the agenda, to car jam out sessions, to letting the other one talk you into waking up way too early just to go get breakfast together, to the million pictures she always allows me to take, to nights where we decided not sleeping was a good idea and the nights where not sleeping came from hours of talking;

of course we've done stupid stuff here and there... but i wouldn't change a thing.

It kind of sucks because she is going to Clemson next year (she's got mad talent and brains) and i'm going to CIU... so for the first time in 6 years we won't be able to see eachother when ever we want. It's going to be rough. but i know things won't change. that's just the way it is; and the way it's always been. our texting bill may go way up and that handy new application skype might be put to use... but the distance won't put a damper on our friendship.

I think there are some people who are just supposed to always be there, taking life one step at a time with you.

Plus she's going to be my maid of honor and vise versa... so we have to stay friends so we can help with eachothers weddings :]

Disclaimer to lindsey: i'm sure i forgot some awesome memories, please forgive me-maybe we should record them down in a book or something.

all this to say: i sure love this girl a wholleeeeeee lot and thank God when ever i think of her for blessing me beyond comprehension.

Grace.

“Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your Glory take my life and
let it be Yours.”

It’s so easy to live that out when you’re in a camp setting. When people to your right and left are all working together towards the same goal. But then you’re thrown back into the real world; where you don’t find many who are trying to reach your same goal. And to live out the meaning of that line comes into a whole new perspective. It’s one of those things that should be expected but when you sit back and realize it’s happening right in front of your eyes, it completely catches you off guard.

Last week was Go Camp. Midtown puts it on each summer; and for the past two years it’s rocked my face off. It’s all about GOING and serving. It’s not supposed to just be a week of service; once you leave that camp setting, it’s up to you to plan the service projects and get a group of kids together who are willing to sacrifice their time to serve- you slowly realize it’s not as easy as it sounds. But this actually isn’t the reason I decided to dust off the cobwebs to my blog. There are a few things on my mind that are causing me to loose sleep.

Two characteristics were talked about at camp. First there was the performance person who is obsessed with appearance (‘As long as everyone thinks I’m okay, I am.’). Failure for these people is devastating. They do what they have to (out of duty) so that everyone is happy. They don’t like jacked up people, as though sin could be contagious and their identity is found in being the best. Then there are the grace people: they walk in the light, their very vulnerable, their open to help and they expect failure from themselves because they know they’re jacked up. They are joy-driven and their identity is found in Christ. And they love broken people because they know they’re broken too.

If you’re like me you compared yourself to the grace person and realized the only thing that may match up is expecting failure because you realize how much you suck.
But the hard part is when you turn and start to point fingers at others and classify them. Even if you’ve gotten to a point where you match up as a grace person and you turn to point the blame or become prideful in the fact that “you’re at least better than them” you’re slapped right back into square one. Or what could be worse is if you ever achieve the grace qualifications and you realize it. Even if you boast to yourself about the fact that you finally achieved it you’ve just failed again. But maybe since you’re a grace person you already saw that coming? It’s a redundant cycle that obviously continues because we’re human; but it is frustrating none the less.

It’s also hard when you realize you may be surrounded by performance people who aren’t looking at becoming a grace person anytime soon. I’ve realized God puts people in you’re life at certain times for his own reasons… but he also takes them away for his own reasons. And His reasons, from a human perspective are not understandable. It can be so frustrating, confusing and upsetting. But what’s crazy is when you begin to see the difference of Him putting someone new or taking someone out can have on you.

Another thing I’ve also been struggling with is forgiveness. I may have already written a blog on this? I can’t remember. This has been my recent struggle though; the fact that I don’t deserve forgiveness. Not an inkling in my body deserves grace-yet God killed his son for me. So in response, along with giving Him everything; I need to forgive just as He forgave me. That is SO much easier said than done. It’s so easy when we’re wronged as a selfish human to turn and go “how dare them! I deserve better than that” When in reality, we deserve hell in a hand basket. I’ve been struggling with this big time. It’s hard when someone has done something that is clearly wrong, no matter what view you’re looking at it from. Or when they just don’t treat you right, period; and haven’t done anything to deserve it. What’s hard is when they don’t know that you know. And you have to forgive and love them and treat them the same all behind their back. As I was thinking through all this I was really on the verge of giving up and just taking the “they wronged me I don’t have to love them” attitude- God hit me in the face with this. No where through Jesus’ time on earth was it always easy for him, not everyone was always happy with him and through it all-even as he was being beaten- he loved throughout all of it. Even Paul, who besides Jesus was probably one of the greatest missionaries in the world, turned to God and still sent his love as he was in prison!
Then he brought back to mind this passage:

“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge I will pay them back.” Says the Lord. Instead “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.” Romans 12:19-21

Hardcore, right? I know. I was completely humbled when I read that. So I handed it all over toGod at that point. I know that in no way will I be able to love this person like I’ve been loved, or forgive them like I’ve been forgiven. But ONLY God through me will be able to achieve this. And what a weight it lifted off my shoulders. "Hope which was lost, now stands renewed. I give my life to honor this..."

“My Grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

legit.

Hast thou no scar?

No hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand?

I hear thee sung as mighty in the land;

I hear them hail thy bright, ascendant star.

Hast thou no scar?Hast thou no wound?

Yet I was wounded by the archers;

spent,Leaned Me against a tree to die;

and rent By ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned.

Hast thou no wound?

No wound? No scar?

Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,

And piercèd are the feet that follow Me.

But thine are whole; can he have followed far

Who hast no wound or scar?

BY AMY CARMICHAEL,
IRISH MISSIONARY TO INDIA FOR 55 YEARS

love it.

wow.

I just realized i have not put up a new blog since February... really? i can't believe that. I need to get the show on the road. So much has happen that i need to write about. Hopefully i'll find time soon to do that. Just so it is known since i've been M.I.A-i'm still here- and still plan on writing.
For now you should go listen to these songs:
1.Glory to God Forever-Steve Fee
2.Till i see you-hillsong
3.Had me at hello-A day to remember

Then go check out how amazing my Grandpa is & what he had made for my Graduation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwQwZWcfT7A

Human Nature.

A great writer, who also happens to be one of my role models, once told me that for a writer not to write is like asking a fish not to swim or a bird not to fly. At first I disregarded that as a silly statement, but then I got to thinking and I’m pretty sure he may be onto something. Because I have noticed that when I do not write and I keep my million, random, fanatical thoughts inside my head is when my life begins to spin a bit out of control. Good news though; normally right when im about to go insane, I write viciously (not just blogs) until my hearts content and things seem to get back on track. Although this is not one of those times when I am having a monumental break through with myself, I have decided I should probably write more as precautious self-prescribed therapy. We’ll see how long it that lasts before im beginning another blog with “sorry it’s been so long...”

There are few issues with human tendencies that have been eating at me for a while. So Im going to try to break them down as best I can, seeing how I have boiled over them for quite some time so I have developed quite an opinion about all 3 matters. Before I go on a rampage about them all I will leave yet another disclaimer: I am fully aware that I am not perfect, and no where in this am I trying to convey that message. I am simply expressing personal thoughts about my own and others character flaws. But we’re only human, so it’s already expected we have a multitude of them.
For starters, I have begun to notice more frequently how people expect so much from others but rarely practice it themselves. Need example? Don’t worry, I have plenty.
You know how people always say “Forgive and forget”? I think the saying, better translated should be-“Forgive me or I’ll forget you, Wrong me and forgetting is free.” Okay, so that one is not as catchy. But it’s more realistic. And it’s the truth. I’ve noticed that people are so expectant for others to forgive them but so hesitant when it comes to forgiving someone who’s wronged them. How messed up is that! It is one of the ultimate examples of our underlying sinful nature. Shame. It’s like a human code or something, im not joking there. I seriously think there is some code we have adapted to that says “Alright, if you screw someone over, they should obviously forgive you, you’re only human right?! BUT if they wrong you, ohhhhh boy, you better drop them and run the other way-every man for himself right?” Thank you, Satan for your LIES! This is what really gets me-this shouldn’t be an issue in the church. But it is. A big one at that. I know that the church is full of sinners alike, but that should not give us any excuse for holding a grudge. Galatians 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Amen. I basically could just stop with that verse. But I’m not going to. Even though that verse pretty much sums it up for us! As Christ followers, the Church should act as Christ does! We should be the leading examples in how to forgive! But why is it that so many people turn away from churches from simple issues like someone not forgiving another and it causing tension? Geez. America needs to get on it. No, better yet- the church needs to get on it so that America can see what to do THEN they can hop on board. I understand that the issue at hand is not a light one. It is one thing to say “I forgive you” and actually do it. It is another thing entirely to actually forgive them where you can treat them with the full love of a brother/sister in Christ. So it’s like a two step package. So why is it that we still expect, even sometimes as Christians, for everybody to do 1 & 2 when we do something that offends them; but if it’s the other way around we automatically put up a wall and rid ourselves of that relationship?

It sounds as though I have had an epiphany and I am about to reveal the secret to human nature. Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have the secret. Except for the Christ element. That’s pretty much a key factor. Then the whole Christ’s-followers-actually-following-what-Christ-said-to-do thing. On another note, have you ever noticed how quick some people are to judge but hate being judged? Why is that? It’s like the one thing their good at they don’t want anyone else doing it to them, which doesn’t make a lick of sense. Then there are some people who walk around with the over zealous attitude of “I don’t care what people think about me at all!” but those people turn out to be the ones who actually care the most. Why is it that when someone new walks into the picture everyone makes automatic assumptions of what that person is like/does/wants out of life-BUT if we were to hear of them doing the same thing towards us we would be completely offended. I just don’t understand how some people think that way and don’t see the problem with it.

There’s also another issue I’ve been thinking about a lot lately; why adults see teenagers as useless, lazy, not committal, selfish, irresponsible kids. I think with this topic we can really only blame ourselves… but why don’t we do something to change that? I know I shouldn’t get tired of hearing adults tell groups ive been with that we're not like other teenagers, that we don't fit the normal teenage mold. That is good news in itself. But after service projects when adults go on and on about how “it’s just so special to see people-especially teenagers- sacrificing their time to serve others.” That kills me. Why can that not be expected of us? I wonder how long and how many people it would require to break out of that stereotype of the “typical lazy selfish American teenager” I realize I don’t have very long left to claim that title, but I want to take full advantage of the time I do have left to change that. I hate being typical, and I hate fitting into the same mold as everyone else. But if everyone began to fit into the new mold (the one where we are willing to serve, and sacrifice our time and all the other things that go along with it) I wouldn’t mind being like alot of other people; if we all shared that trait. In fact- I would be thrilled to share that same mold with as many people who decided to claim it.

I can't think of a title.

I’m not even sure where to begin this one. I have so many things running through my mind at the moment I should probably go ahead and apologize for any thing I may say that doesn’t make a lick of sense, because basically im about to type out my thoughts. Which sounds simple when I first say it but if you knew the extent to which I dissect every little thing I think up I think more people would understand why im always tired; or worried. All that to say: shall we dive into the deep abyss of my thought pool?
Ready-GO!

I’ve decided I strongly dislike dating in high school. In fact, I wish I would have known my freshman year or better yet my 6th grade year, that by the time I would become a senior I would have wished them all away. Okay, so that’s a little harsh. I do have some good memories. And I have learned and matured through many of the relationships. But who knew adults and the older, wiser people were right when they said “it’s not worth the stress, just wait until after high school.” Oh how naïve we are. And what’s funny is we think we are so smart when it comes to dating, like we are the first ones to experiment with it or something. Geez.
Now let’s press pause real fast so I can leave a disclaimer: I am not here to bash any high school relationships that are still going strong or any relationships that have or will turn into life long, lovely marriages. All these views in which I will express will be coming from personal views and experiences.
Anyways, I have decided that for the remainder of my high school career (which I realize is not much to say) I am going to toss dating out the window. I’m not sure if I even would want to pursue a relationship freshman year of college. But I am not making any promises here. I feel as though in high school you’re looking for someone to just accept you and love you for who you are. But when it all boils down, they probably not loving the real you (please remember the disclaimer here). It is so easy to get caught up in the excitement of dating and everything that comes along with it, that it becomes so easy to just change everything you have promised yourself you would never change. I’m pretty sure that every single person that has ever been in a relationship has previously stated this statement: “I will never change myself at all for any guy/girl.” I can pretty much guarantee that one. But in reality, we all know that humanly speaking this is basically impossible. Especially in young relationships. When it starts your all excited because the guy you’ve had a crush on finally notices you, so all those days spent day dreaming about what it would be like if he liked you finally start to come true. So what’s the first thing you do? Well that’s a no brainer- you go and in some form of a stalking manner find out every last detail about his life (that is attainable from some other means than him telling you) and every thing he is interested in. This way you are fully prepared to always be in the state to hold a conversation and catch his interest with all of yalls “shared” interests. Now, I don’t know what mood I have just produced in starting this, but I would like to say it has become a very sarcastic one so I am, for those who can not tell, exaggerating small things for effect of what im trying to get across. Don’t leave this blog thinking im a lunatic.
So, now with all your new found knowledge about the guy that started as just a little crush occupying your day dreams, you are now faced with the lovely task of making sure you always look presentable. And we are not just talking add 5 extra minutes to your normal routine here. I’m talking the stress over what you’re going to wear for a solid 20 minutes, before even beginning to try anything on. And along with that task you always get the privilege of coming up with dumb excuses to make a trip to the bathroom every so often to make sure you don’t have your shirt on inside out, or broccoli stuck between your teeth or a friend hanging out of your nose that no one has bothered to tell you about all day. And to think we have a holiday dedicated to recognizing your significant other (which happens to be around the corner, convenient this was on my mind?). Then by the end of the day after all that stress you get the honor of looking back on that day and picking apart every single encounter you had with this said “special” person and making sure you said or did the right thing. And who knows how long this process can sometimes take. After all the beginning stages of dating occur then you get to the big climax of it all: Making it official. That’s when you go home, log into facebook, change your “relationship status” get all the lovely comments from all your friends who, by the way, all already knew it was about to happen, it’s just something about commenting on the new relationship status on facebook that makes it so much better than in person. So now that yall have become facebook official, had the pre-stress of impressing the other, and won each others heart, you come to stand still in the road. Pretty much, a spot where you go “okay, now what?” But this doesn’t last long. Then, not only do you have to maintain the personal appearance stress, but now you have to make sure that you are aware of everything you say or do to make sure it is not taken the wrong way by your new significant other or better yet; bystanders who love to meddle in other peoples relationships. This is when the real fun begins. Or I’d say more of a relationship test. It’s around the time the little arguments start or you start realizing that really, you both don’t have anything in common at all. This is also when you begin to pick up little things he or she does that get on your nerves to no end. OR what’s far worse are things that you used to think were so cute and now make you want to barf you’re so sick of them.
Also around this time you realize you’re not the only one with the stalking skills and that your once “perfect for each other” significant other has also memorized everything you love to do. So, now you realize that neither of you like the same things, little things all the way down to there breathing habits are beginning to annoy you, you’ve consumed the past(how ever long this has continued) time obsessing over them and now you get to stress over how your going to end it all. Which, I could write on for days. But for the sake of how much I have already rambled I will condense it. You now get to go through the following: do I make it my fault so it looks like im the one at fault here, when really it’s not me at all, but that way they won’t be as upset? Do you just lay it on them that yall no longer share anything in common, including the liking each other part? Or do you try scheme up ways to make them break up with you first, so you can then play the devastated role when inside your swiping your head with a sigh of relief? So many options. So many roads you could travel. When in the beginning, had you of listened to all the people who said “just wait until you’re older” you wouldn’t even be in this mess in the first place. And now you’re stuck with one broken heart, a portion of your life that you can never get back, a lot of new memories (some good and some bad), a lot of learned lessons and a WHOLE LOT of gray hairs that are waiting to greet you one lovely morning.

I hope this isn’t making me out to sound like im ditching the prospects of ever dating again. I just think that for the time being I am completely content with just focusing on God and whatever he has planned for me. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if I could just skip all of the fun stuff I just thoroughly explained for everyone in excruciating detail and have my husband-to-be approach me and go ahead and propose. That would probably make life a lot simpler. But it would probably take away all the fun memories that yall would get to experience in all that fun time that the world has tricked us into calling fun=dating. But im sure that it all plays out much differently when you’re dating the person you’re supposed to marry. At least that is my hope. But obviously I won’t be able to blog on that for quite some time now.

---

On a side note, i saw a GREAT movie the other night that goes along with this post very well: "He's just not that into you." It is halarious and i loved it. You should go see it. It was well worth $7.50.


Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Stay tuned.

I have a few blogs in progress. A working progress, that is.

One that deals with a topic i have been wrestling in my thoughts about todays world. I may also have a few of ones i have begun and never finished. So those will be up soon.

For now, the verse that's kept me going:::

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Hide and Go Seek

So my last blog was not encouraging in the least bit. And im truly apologetic. I feel as though I should probably have kept some of those thoughts to myself because I took the attitude that it was everyone else’s fault but my own. Which isn’t true. And I had a revelation last night, after I had the privilege to stay up until 4:00 finishing my lovely research paper. Awesome? I know. I was completely frustrated with myself and everyone one else that all I wanted to do was write my paper turn it in and pick up and move far far away. Just for those curious I was considering becoming a beach bum for a while and then making my way to Australia or somewhere cool like that. Great game plan right? Run from my problems! That will definitely make everything so much better.
Wrong. And I realized this, thankfully. Truthfully I don’t have enough guts to even do that. I would most likely get lost on my way to becoming the beach bum or get kidnapped or robbed on the way there. Then I would be screwed for the rest of the game plan and with that awesome avoid my problems mindset I probably would of turned around and returned home. So don’t get too worried. I realized after I thought about my game plan and I realized I was trying to fix my problems. All on my own. And not just me, I wanted other people to either fix them for me or help me fix them and make everything right again, just like it was a couple weeks ago. Which, might I add, I find it crazy how things can change so fast and go from completely fantastic, ignoring the minor things here and there to where it seems that everything has been tossed in the air, the lights turned off and someone telling you to catch everything. Just goes to show we really don’t have everything together or are ready to take anything on because anything could come around the corner and hit us hard and fast unexpectedly it nocks us to our butt. I guess that’s what happened. Im not really sure yet. Im not writing this saying that I have figured everything out, solved all of my problems and im completely back on track going 100 mph again. But im at least going the right direction now. After realizing I was the one trying to fix all my problems, I had a fun little self examination… if im trying to fix all of my problems that all have me as the main factor, and I am the one who got me into the mess then im probably going to do more harm then good when trying to fix it. Then I realized why I was having so much trouble.
Now let’s rewind to those couple weeks ago that I was talking about.
Everything was awesome. Well, that’s a lie. My relationship with God was awesome. I was on what some people call a ‘spiritual high.’ And it wasn’t one of those ones that you come back from camp with or after a really good sermon or any of the other things that are more common to produce the ‘spiritual high.’ It was purely just the result of me spending more time in the word and praying and setting aside specific time in the day that was just devoted to God. And I could literally see the spiritual growth that was happening. It was awesome. But I felt like I was preparing for something, but I wasn’t sure what. But at the time I dismissed it thinking well if it’s going this well obviously only good could come of it. Wrong.
I’ve dealt with spiritual warfare well a very slim dose of it. It’s one of those things you don’t really share with people because it kind of makes you sound like a lunatic. But im not making up stories here. So I recognize the signs. And normally that’s my signal to arm myself with God and be prepared for anything. Well you would think after this awesome spiritual high that I would be in the perfect mindset for this. Wrong again. This time it happened, I could sense it happening, I recognized the signs, I even pointed them out to people that are awesome accountability partners thinking “if I tell them it will probably help me be more aware and work on It better.” Yea, you guessed it, wrong again. I gave in and I listened to everything that was being said to me. And I let it all soak in and despite my knowledge and knowing better and know what was right and what I should really be telling myself, despite having people telling me what I should be believing and that these were all lies, I didn’t listen. It was one of those things where you let everyone believe you’re taking to heart everything they are saying everything you should believe, but it’s really not that easy. And I fed into every lie this demon had in store for me. And it was by far probably one of the scariest times. Not the scariest, but by far it makes the list. I let all these lies be fed to me by spoon and I took them all willingly agreeing to each one, all the while laying down every armor and growth I had gained previously. And that’s when I became helpless. Because it wasn’t anything anyone could do for me. Besides God. It was all between me and God at this point and the only one who needed to make the move was me. And I resisted. Now thankfully I’ve acknowledged all of this before I did anything drastic and it definitely was not one of those cases where I did this for years and went down a path that is more commonly traveled by teenagers today. But still it was enough time for me. At this point, im not trying to say I wont have some fall backs. I can let you walk away with a 100% guarantee promise on whatever relationship we have that I will, in fact, have many fallbacks. I will many more times believe some lie that is told to me or that im not worthy of anything or any of the many more that I have believed. Sorry if you were hoping for a complete happy ending. The good news is I did have a long conversation with God last night and I did pray unceasingly for a period of time. And I am fully aware I was completely at fault in all of this. And this may be odd, but im actually kind of excited to fix all of this. Im also completely in awe that despite all of this, all this that God knew I was going to do, that I was going to listen to these demons feeding me these lies that he has promised over and over isn’t true. That I would even for a second doubt that he could truly love me after everything I’ve done, despite me not being able to see this big picture but him knowing I would turn back around in the end he’s still waiting there with open arms, with no fingers to point a blame, no thought to even say “well you remember when you did this?” nothing; he’s the same Loving God he’ll always be. And for which, I am completely grateful.

Ephesians 6:11-13

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Road Block.

I’m really not sure where to begin this. I can start by saying sorry for the lie in the last blog where I said I would get a new blog up that night. I really had all intentions of doing so. I even typed one up that night, and it was almost completely finished, then I realized I hated it and I pressed backspace until it was all gone. So, being very frustrated I gave up and have not found the motivation to give it another shot. Until today, because I really do have multiple things to get off of my mind, so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

Mind you all, anything that is expressed here is in no way asking for a pity party or anything of the sort. I just need to express a few things.

I’ve realized that im far different than most other people. But the places im different are the places I would either a.) Do anything to be like everyone else in or b.) Really hinder me in life. For starters, I realized that I care too much about other people. Have I blogged about this before? I think I might of. But im on a roll so I can’t stop now. I realized that I care so much for other people that I put them far above myself. This is hard for me to correct because it IS biblical to put other people above yourself. Example A.) Jesus. Enough said there. But I think I do it to a point that it becomes unhealthy. To a point that I ignore other important things, my grades for example or homework, to spend a couple hours talking with someone because they just need someone to talk to. I realized that ill drop anything at any point no matter what to do whatever you might need. And it’s killing me and im not really sure how, or if I should try to change or stop it. It’s becoming so bad that im now learning that my years of doing this are turning around to hit me in the face now that college is coming around. I can’t really put on all my applications that the reason im not an A++++ student is because I care more about my friends than my schoolwork. I don’t think colleges are looking for a student who will solve the entire student body’s problems. But if they were, id be there golden ticket. I also have come to find out that being the queen of procrastination is no crown I want to wear. But its one that once you have attained it is very, very, if not impossible to rid yourself of the throne quickly. In fact it seems when your ready to give the title up the entire kingdoms left your side.
This all came crashing down recently when I needed the most help of all, in almost every area of my life. Literally. Every thing felt like it was falling apart, I knew I wasn’t in control and I didn’t know how to ask for help at all. Now the few people who helped me before this (they know who they are) did help me through some stuff, and for them I am truly thankful. Obviously its not all fixed now but it’s closer to being fixed than it was before. But so you select few know this is something different. Something new, and something that after this is posted I will probably be confronted about. On this particular day I needed all the help I could get. A lot was on the line. You wouldn’t believe, trust me you really wouldn’t, how many people I asked. No, not asked, how many people I BEGGED to help me. And everyone, every single one, was busy. Or didn’t want to help. I honestly would have taken help from anyone. And im not even joking. Want proof? I was at Starbucks on that day, go figure, trying to get some stuff done and I even asked the lady WORKING AT STARBUCKS for help, mind you this was something small but it really would have benefited me greatly. And guess what, she didn’t even help me. And that sad part is she didn’t even say no. She said yes shed be right there and never came. This seems to happen a lot.

It’s to the point now that I don’t even know HOW to ask for help any more. So I guess im really the definition of helpless at the moment. The few people, devoted and loving people, who are going to ask me how they can help, I really will have no response for them because I don’t know how to explain it anymore. It’s so bad that on Sunday at church we had communion. And since I am only human and sinful to the max I am going to say this because I feel like im throwing out a lot tonight as it is. It’s always bothered me when people I know either a.) Are not saved take communion or b.) Shouldn’t be taking it for reasons well known. You know how they talk about that? Im not sure all the exact stuff they say before but it’s something along the lines of being right with God. But it’s truly none of my business that’s completely between them and Jesus. But this Sunday I was right in those shoes. I was at the point where I didn’t even know what to say to God anymore. I didn’t know what to pray for. Which really disturbed me. It was so bad that I couldn’t even bring myself to my feet to go get the communion stuff. Pathetic? Yes I know.
One of the things that is bogging my brain down is forgiveness.
You know how people say “Forgive and Forget”? Well I would like you to know that mostly, im not saying always, but for the most part that’s a load of crap. It’s completely impossible to simply forgive someone and then forget about it. Besides God but where not discussing that were more on the topic of how messed up humans are. I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately, trying to forgive people from past situations or forgive myself. And I can’t do either. A couple of the things, for years I have worked on trying to “forget” because I thought I had forgiven them. Then I had a revelation and realized the reason I couldn’t “forget” it was because I really hadn’t forgiven them. So then my thoughts were, of course “well now I just need to make sure I truly forgive them then ill be able to forget it.” Not so easy this time. In fact this time it seems impossible. So impossible it’s to the point where I can’t forgive myself for not being able to forgive them. It’s ironic that the message at church was on forgiveness. God was definitely talking to me.

This is kind of how i feel right now. Like in the cartoons you know when they come to the road like this...But they always have a second plan on how there going to stick it to the man and get around this road block. So now i have just have to find my plan B.

School days.

So, the thing i love about most of my teachers is when i whip out my laptop to "take notes" they don't question anything. And when i happen to stumble upon facebook or my blog, its a nice escape from class. Especially since i sit in the back of all my classes, so i never get in trouble.

My brain is swarming with ideas to blog about but i can't focus them all in. So maybe later tonight something worth reading will come to me.

For now ill share my next idea.

I think im going to take the picture over there to my hair dresser and ask her to cut it like this. I wonder how many people have brought cartoons from there book covers to her for inspiration... guess we'll see.

Please, RELAX.

In my personal opinion, people today have very short tempers. Everything gets us so worked up even if it’s the smallest thing, like someone cutting you off while driving, or something taking too long in the line at the store, or any of the other things that come to your mind when you think of getting angry.

I feel as though I have to walk on egg shells to make sure im making everyone happy.

To make sure that there is not one person I might be making angry. Now, would you consider this a wrong way of living? Some might. Because ULTIMATLEY we are supposed to only live to please God. And that’s what I try to do. I try to live only to serve him. But I feel like I try to turn pleasing God into pleasing people. I love serving. I love volunteering. I love taking time to spend with people who just need to talk. I love doing anything and everything that might include helping someone else. But I think, no, I KNOW that I do it too often. Is that possible? I feel like I tend to ignore my personal issues. The ones I should work out before trying to help someone else, or the fact that I am one of the best procrastinators you may ever meet. Im not sure how to approach this. There are verses on all of these. Not putting things off until tomorrow, putting others above your self, not being lazy, and not being worried. All this stuff that I get caught up in.

Sorry for the tangent. Back to the original topic.

I feel like we waste way to much of our life being upset. Imagine how much easier things would be if some of us just learned to let things go? Someone’s a little late meeting you? Oh well, no one can control traffic. Someone forgets to call you back? There is more to life than keeping up with your cell phone. Plans get ruined? Maybe God stopped them from happening to prevent something else from happening. I don’t know maybe it’s just me. Maybe I should learn to care MORE or something. So this could be a skewed view of the subject. I really don’t care because I honestly feel like the world needs to lighten up, just a tad. Think of the time we waste? Some people go hours, days, months, years, and lifetimes not talking over something miniscule. It’s so lame. I mean, I understand that parents, teachers and who ever else might be an authority figure- yell at you, punish you or get angry with you to teach you life lessons, or academic lessons, whatever. BUT I am sorry, maybe its just me, but I do not think me being 3 minutes late to your class is going to cause the world to stop when I walk through the door and hinder any learning I may receive in that class. I won’t even get started on parental issues. I just think that parents need to learn to let some things go, lighten up a bit. Kids are not perfect. We are learning to live life just as you are learning how to raise us to live it. You freaking out over every single thing that we don’t do right doesn’t help us much but to just realize that we are even more screwed up then we already thought. It’s overwhelming.

Psalms 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil.

Im backkkkkkkkk

• So, just for the record, I was not kidnapped, nor did I get lost or forget my password. I simply have just been busy beyond words. Which is odd because I feel as though I have not done anything productive throughout my busyness? What a let down.
  
  Anyways, another excuse for my absence from my blog is that I have had SO much on my mind I have not been able to pin-point one thing to write about. This has become very overwhelming. Instead of just going on and on about at least one thing I’ve just been thinking over EVERYTHING and it’s driving me insane. So here I am, hoping I will be able to spit some of my thoughts out about what has been keeping my mind so occupied.
  
  It’s crazy how much has changed in just a little over a month. Seriously, a lot has been flipped around and turned upside down. For starters, my mother, bless her heart, decided I needed to be tested. I leave it at tested because all she made me aware of was being tested for A.D.D, which I as fine with. It bothers me to no end sometimes how I can not focus on one thing no matter how hard I try. So I gladly went, bringing on the help and any drugs that may come along with that help as assistance. Well as I’m sitting in this chair, in this mans house, because he does the testing from his home? Which I found was odd to begin with, but convenient because he lived in my neighborhood, so after the THREE HOURS OF TESTING I didn’t have a far drive. So I am sitting at his dinning room table, wondering 30 minutes into this process why it was going to take him 3 hours to access whether or not I had A.D.D, because for starters trying to make me sit in a chair-still, quiet, and focusing on a test? In itself is enough proof that I most likely have it. So about midway into this test I realize there is no way that the question he has just asked me “do you stay in your room secluded from people for long periods of time” would have anything to do with me having attention problems, and it dawns on me the reason he probably is set up in his nice peaceful house, away from doctors is because this is no ordinary A.D.D testing place. This is a place to test me for ANY disorder that may pop up on the thousands we have today in America. So, I finish the testing, happy with myself that I discovered my mom and my new examiner in there sneaky plot to see what’s wrong with me. After the gruesome test I gave my wonderful mother a call to tell her the news I had discovered all on my own. Now, pause, the doctor was not able to make a complete assessment on the disorders I have right then. Apparently he needed time to go over and analyze the 400 plus questions I had answered along with all the tests I had completed in the last 3 hours. Which makes since, we don’t want him putting all my hard work to waste by just going off on a wild limb at what might be my problem. So before I walk out of his calming, peaceful house he informs me that from his observation, which he has plenty of time to do between my shaking leg, tapping fingers, getting angry and blocks that wouldn’t make the right form and throwing them and all the other many things I managed to do in that time slot, he made a guess that he was pretty positive I have (drum roll please) A.D.H.D, Anxiety disorder, AND O.C.D. I know right? The best part when I tell everyone this is that they all go when are you getting your drugs? Because, apparently, those disorders come with fabulous medication. So I call my mom to ask her why she didn’t tell me that it was a test to just find out if I have a problem paying attention but to figure out everything that could be wrong and she goes:

  “ Well I knew you would worry about what might be wrong with you if I told you
  that and you wouldn’t be able to focus in school all day until you took the
  test and then you would freak out if whether you were doing everything right during the test, so I just left it at an A.D.D. test.”
  

  
  I had nothing to do after that but laugh, and then inform her about the doctor’s assessment that matched her explanation to not telling me the truth TO A TEE! So, all this to say, don’t let your mom trick you into those tests. They are no fun what so ever and they make you do things that are impossible to see how you respond when you can’t do it.
  
  OH one more thing. They play opera music in the background that makes you want to shoot your foot.
  
  On to something other than my many disorders, after an eventful abnormally drama-filled week for a private school, I have decided I could make some MAD money off of my schools problems. All I need are some actors, a set and some money to produce the soap opera on a TV. show (and p.s. after producing this show I will pay you back the money plus some because it will be a huge success.) I have discovered no where else, besides reality TV which I am pretty sure they base off of high school experiences to begin with, can you find more back-stabbing, self consumed, conniving, love-sick, need for attention, do anything as long as it doesn’t make me look bad people in the entire world. Well, I am sure you can but so far in my life experience, which I know I know is not very much, this is the only place that I am positive you can find all of the above traits, if you’re interested in these things, that is. I am overwhelmed by everything that is going I can’t take it. The worst part is, is most of the people are professing Christians. With EVERYTHING that is going on, and im not talking about the big-highlight, what would make the front of the gossip magazine if we had one things that are going on im talking all the way down to the little things, all of it all has to do with people who on Sundays you would not think a problem was in there forecast for miles upon miles. It is literally insane. Now, by no means am I sitting here saying that I don’t have any problems like these people or that I am any better than them in the least bit. As I just stated in the paragraph before this, I have many issues of my own. I will tell you that in a heart beat. But I am saying that I don’t understand how some of these situations come up since the people are saying “oh im giving it all to God.” I can’t fathom it. Im sorry, it just doesn’t click in my brain.
  I think I need to stop here. I could most definitely say more, but I don’t think I need too. So I may vent all that out and just save it in a draft. Yes, check.
  
  Moving on.
  
  In philosophy we are talking about all the different types of love. Or I guess more so the different Greek definitions of love. Here, let me enlighten you before continuing so there is no confusion or homework after reading this short novel im producing.
  Eros-Romantic, passionate love, this does not have to include physical attraction but more love of the soul. Also, sexual love.
  Philia or Philos- Friendship love, as in being loyal, equality and so on. It can also be used between lovers too.
  Agape- this is like general affection, and holding someone in high regard. It also deals with self-sacrificial love for whatever is being loved. Unconditional, all consuming
  Storge- natural affection, like between parents and children and relationships with family
  LAST but not least
  Thelema- in greek this means desire, so this is like to be occupied with or ‘desire’ to do something.
  All that to say I hope you leave this page feeling like you have learned something at least after reading all this, which I thank who ever is wasting there time to read all this in the first place. Now on to why I just decided to give a small lesson. For starters, I think the Greeks were amazing and incredibly smart. I hate how English boxes in the word love. I can love to read, love my friends and love God and those are all vastly different things.
  I was thinking today after class if it was a bad thing for me to love my close friends with agape love? My teacher, which side note, this will be the third year in a row that I have learned about these different types of love but for some reason this year it really caught my attention, was explaining how agape would be a type of love where you are willing to lay down your life and do anything it would take to protect that person you loved. AKA- Jesus death on the cross, God’s unconditional love, all would be thrown into Agape. He threw in there that if situation presented itself, if you needed to harm a person, for example if someone was going to hurt someone I “Agape” loved and I had a gun you would shoot them to protect your love one. Or another example would be you laying down your life for that person’s sake. He said most of the time this is with family especially once you become married. I think you get the picture im kind of tired of repeating his lecture BUT I was thinking if it’s bad for me to love my best friends with this kind of love. Because I would, if I needed to, harm another person to keep the one I loved safe. But then would that mean I am selfish for thinking of that person and how much I loved them and not caring about the third party to this scenario? Im not sure. It sure made me feel awful when I admitted to myself that I would shoot someone, if someone was dumb enough to give me a gun and I figured out how to use it, to protect someone I loved. And the fact that I was using Agape to describe how I would harm someone else to save my loved one when in that same definition I had to think of God sending his son to sacrifice to have me for eternity. Honestly, I felt worthless after it all and was thankful for the unconditional part of agape.
  
  But imagine if we did walk around with that idea of love in our head? Where we could go as far as to lay down our life for another person, always putting them first, and unconditionally loving them no matter what happened? Actually, you could probably go as far as to say what if we walked around with the combination of all these types of love for everyone else? Imagine the different world we would live in? I feel as though today love as become a selfish thing. People love to see what they can get out of it in return, and if it’s inconveniencing them or causes them to suffer, well then you can forget that-onto the next victim. Love has turned into this self-focused thing. It kills me that something that is such a gift is so easily used for self gratifying purposes.
  
  

  I don’t understand how we are so twisted, it blows my mind.

Good thing we are saved by grace.

Ephesians 2:10

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Angels & Heartaches.

It's been a while. Where to begin. I think i havn't written in so long because i've been thinking about SO much that i havn't been able to pick one thing out to write about. So we will have to see how this goes.

I've always wanted to be an angel. Ever since i can remember ive wanted to become an angel. I rememeber when i was little i wanted to grow up and be one, but then i found out that you can't pick that as a "Grown-up-job." I'm pretty sure i cried. Odd thing to want to be, right? I know. I don't know why. I think its as odd a dream just as any might say it is. I've just always been facinated by them. I was talking to a good friend the other day and he pointed out that angels are not emphasized in the bible so people would not worship them over God, which i think makes perfect sence. Obviously, God in all his glory, deserves all our worship.
BUT can't you see us, mere humans, getting caught up in how awesome angels are? How they get to serve our amazing God every single day? Think of all they have witnessed? Think of what they have to say about when 1/3 of them went off with satan? I bet thats a story in itself. Think also how they get to sit around all day praising God just singing out praises to him. Who wouldn't want to be in the angel choir in heaven? That would probally be the best job... IN THE WORLD. And where did guarding angels come from? Do really have those? If so mines probally beside me popping me on the head for asking a dumb question. I know there put on this earth to help carry out God's plan and protect us. Think about that, the fact that you could of 'accidently' overlooked an Angel that was protecting you from harms way.
So see, obviously its so easy to get caught up in how awesome they are, or maybe thats just me.
Good thing in everything that there doing its worship God. What an example we should try to follow. Not the whole flying part and all, just the honoring God in every single thing we do. Hm.

So, i've been stuck in a rock in a hard place lately. Im trying to make some pretty HUGE decisions. Some not as important as others, but still affect my life in a significant way non the less. So ive been praying about it all for weeks on end, and you know what? I still dont know what to do. And frankly, im so frustrated. Now im not sitting here saying that when i pray i expect and audible voice to come down from above and tell me what to do or for an angel to appear telling me all i need to know, hah. I don't need a sign, or any of that jazz. I just would like some reassurance when i think about the subject, you know what i mean? Now i know im not the most confident person in the world. I will glaldy admit that to any person who might ask me. I share no shame in telling you the truth. Im a sinner saved by grace with alot of things to fix on my way. But all these important things i have decide on, which lets stop to say that i am by no means a decisive person in the least bit, i wish there was an easier way to know whats right. I'm so afraid that im going to be dead set on one thing shoot for it and then BAM run into a shut door. Which is not the best feeling in the world, trust me i've done it before.

On another note, i think i have an issue with commitment. Which i never really noticed before. I guess we can all pause for a sigh and a "brittany may be growing up."
But its not that ive tried to deny it or anything, i'm just now noticing it. And its not like i want it. OR that i decide that im just going to not commit to anything i just have trouble doing it. I guess it leads back to the me not being decisive and also worrying that im choosing the wrong thing, or person.

So yes, i said it. Maybe thats what i've been trying to get too. How are we supposed to know your picking the right person to pursue a relationship with? I mean, i know God cares, but does God have guys lined up for you, or in other cases-girls, that your supposed to date before you get to your ment-to-be husband/wife? Which obviously he already knows if you are going to choose to date before marriage and who those people will be and what they will change in your life and how they will open up another door to something he is trying to teach you, but would he also give you the wisdom on which ones might cause less stress/turmoil/tears/ everything else that might come along with the lovely world of highschool relationships.
Praise Jesus im almost done with that chapter of my life.
Now i know its in the statistics for me to have commital problems, as the result of my parents being divorced. Yes i know, according to research i will have relationship issues, due to the fact that apperntly im confused on what a "real relationship" is supposed to look like, and i am also at a higher risk of getting divorced when i am married. But to be honest, i think that's all a load of crap. And i can not even begin to explain the fire that gets worked up inside me when they telll me i am destined for failure.
I am sorry, but frankly, i don't think ANYONE has the right to sit there and tell me that i will not have a succesful marriage just because my parents did not work out. I understand the baggage and issues i have to work through on my own to make my future marraige work out but that does mean that you can go so quick to say that i do not have that ability to work through all those things before i get married. Thank you very much. And another thing, whats with people settling these days? Im not sure. How about someone told me my standards were TOO HIGH for todays average teenage boy. Oh im sorry im just looking for man after Gods heart, not the guy the world tells him to be. They said its going to take a long time and alot of heartbreaks to realize that guys going to be hard to find. Well heartbreaks im not so sure about, but time i can deal with waiting for that guy. Im not in any rush.
This all goes back to the commitment thing you will see in a second.
How do you seperate your your feelings for what you know is right?
How do i solve the problem of knowing what i want and knowing what i need. Or knowing what i may want so badly, and may end up getting, could mean that im settling? But who am i to say im settling right? How do i know what i need at 17? I don't. What if the one person we always shut our doors too is the exact person God knows you need in your life. What if yall are supposed to grow together? Oh brother i dont know. My brain is begining to hurt going back and forth like this.
All i know is that Gods throwing me through some crazy stuff these days. Im not saying im not loving but im also saying im not hating it. Who ever said Gods road would be easy right? I'm pretty sure it may be the hardest road traveled today. I do know one thing im ready for whatever he throws my way.

I hope.

Innocence.

I wish innocence was something we had control over. I wish it was something we could keep in our possession and loose it as we please. Not have to leave it up to society, parents, friends, media, t.v., radios, schools, or movies to take it away from us.





I feel like today's kids are deprived of there innocence at way to young of an age. Image, populairty,sexuality, etc., is pushed on them at far to young an age. My 8 year old sister has learned so much just from watching tv that she has more sass than im pretty sure i had at the age of 14. She's already caring about what she wears and how she looks, ive over heard her say phrases and words that i deffinately did NOT say at 8. And it breaks my heart. I feel like having innocence is a special part of growing up.





Honestly, i wish i still had all mine.


Now, i understand that you loose innocence naturally as you grow up. Obviously we realize that its really not Santa Clause sneaking into our house, and its really our parents leaving us the presents under the tree. Or that there's not really a little winged woman who flys house to house each night collecting teeth and tradeing them from her endless supply of money. And we hopefully come to realize that there is no giant bunny that hops around on Easter morning, while we are all still asleep, leaving us easter baskets filled with prizes. These are things that just come to us with age. And thats acceptable.





I also realize that some people would not think i should be, of all people, talking about lack of innonce, seeing how i go to a private christian school. But honestly, im okay with the fact that i still have to ask dumb questions like if weed and crack are the same thing or many of the other things i've asked before. Im alright with not knowing all that. I also understand that with age comes responsiblity and some things people expect you to know, things that force little chips of your innocence away. Also, i know that some people are born into families where innocence is ripped away at a young age and they have nothing to do with it.





But, i wish that we could keep the faith of innocent children. Ones who don't see anything wrong with going to talk to the not so well dressed man on the bench. Or the ones who don't understand why anyone would hurt them if they walked away from their mom in a store. The ones who trust and hang on every single word you say. The ones who look up to their parents and know that no one could surpass how great their mommy and daddy are.

This where i am truly thankful that times have changed and im no where near the age of having a child. Sure i know i could raise a child, helping raise little brothers and sisters prepares you more than you would believe, but, how do parents decide what they are going to let there child watch? How much is to much? Do you let them believe in santa clause but not the easter bunny? I dont know. See i think that there is such a fine line between whats okay and whats to far. Some kids i have grown up with are so sheltered that i fear for them even attempting to enter the real world. Then theres other who know way to much at such a young age that i fear for what they may think of the world. It's such an oppinonated thing. Crazy.

SO if we were as innocent as we once were, do you think we would be stronger in our faith? We wouldnt have all the bad things to worry about. Children dont see bad in the world. Only good. So we could never ask the question " why would a good God let something bad happen." We would have complete trust in him. Which i can personally say is a pretty big struggle of mine. We wouldnt have the daily doubt of will he still love me after i do this, because for all we know, well some of us, hes going to love us even more than our moms and dads, and well heck, they sure love us alot and we think there the best in the world then WHO KNOWs how awesome God's love is going to be.

Oh, to be as innocent as a child. What a gift.

2 Timothy 2:22

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Avalanche.

The million dollar question of the year seems to be "what college do you want to go to?" Which could also be translated-"what do you want to do with the rest of your life?" Which at 17, i think someone has forgotten to show me where to buy the

"what to do with the rest of your life" book. Im starting to get worried.

Your entire life your told, make sure when you pick a job when your "grown up" its something you love, because you cant be happy if you dont love what you do. So thats the path i thought i would go down. Did people forget, on purpose, to not put a warning label under that statement? "Caution: Sometimes the "real world" wont have a job for what you love to do, and if they do, hah, well good luck trying to get it." I hate that 4 years of torture, and what can end up being 4 years of mistakes or 4 years of working your butt off, helps a board of important people decide if your equipped to go to that school. Frankly, i dont think thats how it should be gone about at all. No wonder so many people dont want to go to college, or are classified as "trying to find themself" when there searching for a college. We have people right and left slamming doors in our faces. Were constantly reminded of the one class we didnt really care about sophmore year, that dragged down the number that i cringe everytime its braught up, gpa. We have to make a decison that effects a large portion of your life, wait sorry, i mean to say the REST of your life. AND the best part is when you do decide what you want to do, you do decide where you want to go, what you want to do in life, or better yet where you feel God is calling you. Your dreams are set. You know its going to happen. You can feel it with everything thats in you. Then you break the news to people and it feels like they basically just punch you in the gut with there reaction. "your no where near good enough for that" is what they basically try to get across, in a nicer way of course. Or better yet is the comparison game, thats always a fun one. Where you are reminded with in a 10 minute time span, of all your smart friends, what colleges have already offered them a chance at success, and there perfect life there going to lead and then its turned back on you, so they dont forget to include you,of course, where they bring up everything on your list and compare it to the worlds and go

"O, sorry, looks like your not qualified to fulfill your dreams, keep looking kid."

Or the best is when you can tell someone doesnt believe in you.

Thats the ultimate right there.

Who wants to feel that? ever? lets keep that in mind next time were telling someone there not capable, because frankly this is what i want to scream in everyones faces

"Sorry, i have the power of Jesus Christ in me, and nothing on this earth will keep me from completing his will."

but of course i dont, and i polietly keep my mouth shut.

Thats what dragging me down. I know this Story isnt about me. Its all about God and bringing him glory through it all. So why, when it seems that im set on following God, everyone has to rip me in shreds to pull me farther from him than where i was before?

I think i wept for the first time tonight.

I've had my share of crying before, no doubt about that, but never like this.

I've had my share of crying for spiritual matters, never, ever, like this.
THIS was new.

And probally one of the most heartbreaking, bring you to your knees, head to the ground, feeling like theres no end to tears, moments of my life. I know, sad right?

Anyways. Basically i had a long talk with God. We covered alot too. And ive decided to change alot. For starters im not going to sit around and let people tell me what i can and cannot do with my life. Im also not going to let them tell me what path i need to take, what college i can and cannot go to and all that jazz. Im sick of living for myself and other people. Ive never prayed like this before. I know im saved. Ive been saved, for quite some time actually, but i think if i had to pick a term it would probally be rededicated? would best describe it.

Im done trying to live my faith on my own. Who ever put that thought in my head in the first place? Someone, please, go trip them. Because thats what i feel like has happened. Someone tripped me and its taken a while for me to get back to my feet. I've realized i cant do any of this on my own. NO matter how many people try to tell me " you just have to put your mind to it and you can do it." sorry, thats a lie. Maybe put your mind to christ, focus in on that first. Then give it a shot. there you go. that might work a little better. Im done living this way. Im ready to do anything and everything for God. and through him.

All A's my senior year? okay i can make that work, only through God though. Living for God not myself? only with his help. i DEFFINATLEY cannot make that happen on my own.

Relying on Gods truth, Gods word, Gods promises, Gods everlasting love, that will not let me fail, will not let me go, will not cut me down, hang me out to dry, or leave me feeling like i have no purpose to even try. THATS what im going to hold onto to get me through all this. Sorry satan, you lost this time.

No mans voice or action, anything you put me through, any thought you put in my head,

sorry its just not going to cut it this time.

While thinking that my eyes had been some how magically connected to a waterfall, this verse came to mind and i knew i had nothing to worry about.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future