legit.

Hast thou no scar?

No hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand?

I hear thee sung as mighty in the land;

I hear them hail thy bright, ascendant star.

Hast thou no scar?Hast thou no wound?

Yet I was wounded by the archers;

spent,Leaned Me against a tree to die;

and rent By ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned.

Hast thou no wound?

No wound? No scar?

Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,

And piercèd are the feet that follow Me.

But thine are whole; can he have followed far

Who hast no wound or scar?

BY AMY CARMICHAEL,
IRISH MISSIONARY TO INDIA FOR 55 YEARS

love it.

wow.

I just realized i have not put up a new blog since February... really? i can't believe that. I need to get the show on the road. So much has happen that i need to write about. Hopefully i'll find time soon to do that. Just so it is known since i've been M.I.A-i'm still here- and still plan on writing.
For now you should go listen to these songs:
1.Glory to God Forever-Steve Fee
2.Till i see you-hillsong
3.Had me at hello-A day to remember

Then go check out how amazing my Grandpa is & what he had made for my Graduation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwQwZWcfT7A

Human Nature.

A great writer, who also happens to be one of my role models, once told me that for a writer not to write is like asking a fish not to swim or a bird not to fly. At first I disregarded that as a silly statement, but then I got to thinking and I’m pretty sure he may be onto something. Because I have noticed that when I do not write and I keep my million, random, fanatical thoughts inside my head is when my life begins to spin a bit out of control. Good news though; normally right when im about to go insane, I write viciously (not just blogs) until my hearts content and things seem to get back on track. Although this is not one of those times when I am having a monumental break through with myself, I have decided I should probably write more as precautious self-prescribed therapy. We’ll see how long it that lasts before im beginning another blog with “sorry it’s been so long...”

There are few issues with human tendencies that have been eating at me for a while. So Im going to try to break them down as best I can, seeing how I have boiled over them for quite some time so I have developed quite an opinion about all 3 matters. Before I go on a rampage about them all I will leave yet another disclaimer: I am fully aware that I am not perfect, and no where in this am I trying to convey that message. I am simply expressing personal thoughts about my own and others character flaws. But we’re only human, so it’s already expected we have a multitude of them.
For starters, I have begun to notice more frequently how people expect so much from others but rarely practice it themselves. Need example? Don’t worry, I have plenty.
You know how people always say “Forgive and forget”? I think the saying, better translated should be-“Forgive me or I’ll forget you, Wrong me and forgetting is free.” Okay, so that one is not as catchy. But it’s more realistic. And it’s the truth. I’ve noticed that people are so expectant for others to forgive them but so hesitant when it comes to forgiving someone who’s wronged them. How messed up is that! It is one of the ultimate examples of our underlying sinful nature. Shame. It’s like a human code or something, im not joking there. I seriously think there is some code we have adapted to that says “Alright, if you screw someone over, they should obviously forgive you, you’re only human right?! BUT if they wrong you, ohhhhh boy, you better drop them and run the other way-every man for himself right?” Thank you, Satan for your LIES! This is what really gets me-this shouldn’t be an issue in the church. But it is. A big one at that. I know that the church is full of sinners alike, but that should not give us any excuse for holding a grudge. Galatians 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Amen. I basically could just stop with that verse. But I’m not going to. Even though that verse pretty much sums it up for us! As Christ followers, the Church should act as Christ does! We should be the leading examples in how to forgive! But why is it that so many people turn away from churches from simple issues like someone not forgiving another and it causing tension? Geez. America needs to get on it. No, better yet- the church needs to get on it so that America can see what to do THEN they can hop on board. I understand that the issue at hand is not a light one. It is one thing to say “I forgive you” and actually do it. It is another thing entirely to actually forgive them where you can treat them with the full love of a brother/sister in Christ. So it’s like a two step package. So why is it that we still expect, even sometimes as Christians, for everybody to do 1 & 2 when we do something that offends them; but if it’s the other way around we automatically put up a wall and rid ourselves of that relationship?

It sounds as though I have had an epiphany and I am about to reveal the secret to human nature. Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have the secret. Except for the Christ element. That’s pretty much a key factor. Then the whole Christ’s-followers-actually-following-what-Christ-said-to-do thing. On another note, have you ever noticed how quick some people are to judge but hate being judged? Why is that? It’s like the one thing their good at they don’t want anyone else doing it to them, which doesn’t make a lick of sense. Then there are some people who walk around with the over zealous attitude of “I don’t care what people think about me at all!” but those people turn out to be the ones who actually care the most. Why is it that when someone new walks into the picture everyone makes automatic assumptions of what that person is like/does/wants out of life-BUT if we were to hear of them doing the same thing towards us we would be completely offended. I just don’t understand how some people think that way and don’t see the problem with it.

There’s also another issue I’ve been thinking about a lot lately; why adults see teenagers as useless, lazy, not committal, selfish, irresponsible kids. I think with this topic we can really only blame ourselves… but why don’t we do something to change that? I know I shouldn’t get tired of hearing adults tell groups ive been with that we're not like other teenagers, that we don't fit the normal teenage mold. That is good news in itself. But after service projects when adults go on and on about how “it’s just so special to see people-especially teenagers- sacrificing their time to serve others.” That kills me. Why can that not be expected of us? I wonder how long and how many people it would require to break out of that stereotype of the “typical lazy selfish American teenager” I realize I don’t have very long left to claim that title, but I want to take full advantage of the time I do have left to change that. I hate being typical, and I hate fitting into the same mold as everyone else. But if everyone began to fit into the new mold (the one where we are willing to serve, and sacrifice our time and all the other things that go along with it) I wouldn’t mind being like alot of other people; if we all shared that trait. In fact- I would be thrilled to share that same mold with as many people who decided to claim it.

I can't think of a title.

I’m not even sure where to begin this one. I have so many things running through my mind at the moment I should probably go ahead and apologize for any thing I may say that doesn’t make a lick of sense, because basically im about to type out my thoughts. Which sounds simple when I first say it but if you knew the extent to which I dissect every little thing I think up I think more people would understand why im always tired; or worried. All that to say: shall we dive into the deep abyss of my thought pool?
Ready-GO!

I’ve decided I strongly dislike dating in high school. In fact, I wish I would have known my freshman year or better yet my 6th grade year, that by the time I would become a senior I would have wished them all away. Okay, so that’s a little harsh. I do have some good memories. And I have learned and matured through many of the relationships. But who knew adults and the older, wiser people were right when they said “it’s not worth the stress, just wait until after high school.” Oh how naïve we are. And what’s funny is we think we are so smart when it comes to dating, like we are the first ones to experiment with it or something. Geez.
Now let’s press pause real fast so I can leave a disclaimer: I am not here to bash any high school relationships that are still going strong or any relationships that have or will turn into life long, lovely marriages. All these views in which I will express will be coming from personal views and experiences.
Anyways, I have decided that for the remainder of my high school career (which I realize is not much to say) I am going to toss dating out the window. I’m not sure if I even would want to pursue a relationship freshman year of college. But I am not making any promises here. I feel as though in high school you’re looking for someone to just accept you and love you for who you are. But when it all boils down, they probably not loving the real you (please remember the disclaimer here). It is so easy to get caught up in the excitement of dating and everything that comes along with it, that it becomes so easy to just change everything you have promised yourself you would never change. I’m pretty sure that every single person that has ever been in a relationship has previously stated this statement: “I will never change myself at all for any guy/girl.” I can pretty much guarantee that one. But in reality, we all know that humanly speaking this is basically impossible. Especially in young relationships. When it starts your all excited because the guy you’ve had a crush on finally notices you, so all those days spent day dreaming about what it would be like if he liked you finally start to come true. So what’s the first thing you do? Well that’s a no brainer- you go and in some form of a stalking manner find out every last detail about his life (that is attainable from some other means than him telling you) and every thing he is interested in. This way you are fully prepared to always be in the state to hold a conversation and catch his interest with all of yalls “shared” interests. Now, I don’t know what mood I have just produced in starting this, but I would like to say it has become a very sarcastic one so I am, for those who can not tell, exaggerating small things for effect of what im trying to get across. Don’t leave this blog thinking im a lunatic.
So, now with all your new found knowledge about the guy that started as just a little crush occupying your day dreams, you are now faced with the lovely task of making sure you always look presentable. And we are not just talking add 5 extra minutes to your normal routine here. I’m talking the stress over what you’re going to wear for a solid 20 minutes, before even beginning to try anything on. And along with that task you always get the privilege of coming up with dumb excuses to make a trip to the bathroom every so often to make sure you don’t have your shirt on inside out, or broccoli stuck between your teeth or a friend hanging out of your nose that no one has bothered to tell you about all day. And to think we have a holiday dedicated to recognizing your significant other (which happens to be around the corner, convenient this was on my mind?). Then by the end of the day after all that stress you get the honor of looking back on that day and picking apart every single encounter you had with this said “special” person and making sure you said or did the right thing. And who knows how long this process can sometimes take. After all the beginning stages of dating occur then you get to the big climax of it all: Making it official. That’s when you go home, log into facebook, change your “relationship status” get all the lovely comments from all your friends who, by the way, all already knew it was about to happen, it’s just something about commenting on the new relationship status on facebook that makes it so much better than in person. So now that yall have become facebook official, had the pre-stress of impressing the other, and won each others heart, you come to stand still in the road. Pretty much, a spot where you go “okay, now what?” But this doesn’t last long. Then, not only do you have to maintain the personal appearance stress, but now you have to make sure that you are aware of everything you say or do to make sure it is not taken the wrong way by your new significant other or better yet; bystanders who love to meddle in other peoples relationships. This is when the real fun begins. Or I’d say more of a relationship test. It’s around the time the little arguments start or you start realizing that really, you both don’t have anything in common at all. This is also when you begin to pick up little things he or she does that get on your nerves to no end. OR what’s far worse are things that you used to think were so cute and now make you want to barf you’re so sick of them.
Also around this time you realize you’re not the only one with the stalking skills and that your once “perfect for each other” significant other has also memorized everything you love to do. So, now you realize that neither of you like the same things, little things all the way down to there breathing habits are beginning to annoy you, you’ve consumed the past(how ever long this has continued) time obsessing over them and now you get to stress over how your going to end it all. Which, I could write on for days. But for the sake of how much I have already rambled I will condense it. You now get to go through the following: do I make it my fault so it looks like im the one at fault here, when really it’s not me at all, but that way they won’t be as upset? Do you just lay it on them that yall no longer share anything in common, including the liking each other part? Or do you try scheme up ways to make them break up with you first, so you can then play the devastated role when inside your swiping your head with a sigh of relief? So many options. So many roads you could travel. When in the beginning, had you of listened to all the people who said “just wait until you’re older” you wouldn’t even be in this mess in the first place. And now you’re stuck with one broken heart, a portion of your life that you can never get back, a lot of new memories (some good and some bad), a lot of learned lessons and a WHOLE LOT of gray hairs that are waiting to greet you one lovely morning.

I hope this isn’t making me out to sound like im ditching the prospects of ever dating again. I just think that for the time being I am completely content with just focusing on God and whatever he has planned for me. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if I could just skip all of the fun stuff I just thoroughly explained for everyone in excruciating detail and have my husband-to-be approach me and go ahead and propose. That would probably make life a lot simpler. But it would probably take away all the fun memories that yall would get to experience in all that fun time that the world has tricked us into calling fun=dating. But im sure that it all plays out much differently when you’re dating the person you’re supposed to marry. At least that is my hope. But obviously I won’t be able to blog on that for quite some time now.

---

On a side note, i saw a GREAT movie the other night that goes along with this post very well: "He's just not that into you." It is halarious and i loved it. You should go see it. It was well worth $7.50.


Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Stay tuned.

I have a few blogs in progress. A working progress, that is.

One that deals with a topic i have been wrestling in my thoughts about todays world. I may also have a few of ones i have begun and never finished. So those will be up soon.

For now, the verse that's kept me going:::

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Hide and Go Seek

So my last blog was not encouraging in the least bit. And im truly apologetic. I feel as though I should probably have kept some of those thoughts to myself because I took the attitude that it was everyone else’s fault but my own. Which isn’t true. And I had a revelation last night, after I had the privilege to stay up until 4:00 finishing my lovely research paper. Awesome? I know. I was completely frustrated with myself and everyone one else that all I wanted to do was write my paper turn it in and pick up and move far far away. Just for those curious I was considering becoming a beach bum for a while and then making my way to Australia or somewhere cool like that. Great game plan right? Run from my problems! That will definitely make everything so much better.
Wrong. And I realized this, thankfully. Truthfully I don’t have enough guts to even do that. I would most likely get lost on my way to becoming the beach bum or get kidnapped or robbed on the way there. Then I would be screwed for the rest of the game plan and with that awesome avoid my problems mindset I probably would of turned around and returned home. So don’t get too worried. I realized after I thought about my game plan and I realized I was trying to fix my problems. All on my own. And not just me, I wanted other people to either fix them for me or help me fix them and make everything right again, just like it was a couple weeks ago. Which, might I add, I find it crazy how things can change so fast and go from completely fantastic, ignoring the minor things here and there to where it seems that everything has been tossed in the air, the lights turned off and someone telling you to catch everything. Just goes to show we really don’t have everything together or are ready to take anything on because anything could come around the corner and hit us hard and fast unexpectedly it nocks us to our butt. I guess that’s what happened. Im not really sure yet. Im not writing this saying that I have figured everything out, solved all of my problems and im completely back on track going 100 mph again. But im at least going the right direction now. After realizing I was the one trying to fix all my problems, I had a fun little self examination… if im trying to fix all of my problems that all have me as the main factor, and I am the one who got me into the mess then im probably going to do more harm then good when trying to fix it. Then I realized why I was having so much trouble.
Now let’s rewind to those couple weeks ago that I was talking about.
Everything was awesome. Well, that’s a lie. My relationship with God was awesome. I was on what some people call a ‘spiritual high.’ And it wasn’t one of those ones that you come back from camp with or after a really good sermon or any of the other things that are more common to produce the ‘spiritual high.’ It was purely just the result of me spending more time in the word and praying and setting aside specific time in the day that was just devoted to God. And I could literally see the spiritual growth that was happening. It was awesome. But I felt like I was preparing for something, but I wasn’t sure what. But at the time I dismissed it thinking well if it’s going this well obviously only good could come of it. Wrong.
I’ve dealt with spiritual warfare well a very slim dose of it. It’s one of those things you don’t really share with people because it kind of makes you sound like a lunatic. But im not making up stories here. So I recognize the signs. And normally that’s my signal to arm myself with God and be prepared for anything. Well you would think after this awesome spiritual high that I would be in the perfect mindset for this. Wrong again. This time it happened, I could sense it happening, I recognized the signs, I even pointed them out to people that are awesome accountability partners thinking “if I tell them it will probably help me be more aware and work on It better.” Yea, you guessed it, wrong again. I gave in and I listened to everything that was being said to me. And I let it all soak in and despite my knowledge and knowing better and know what was right and what I should really be telling myself, despite having people telling me what I should be believing and that these were all lies, I didn’t listen. It was one of those things where you let everyone believe you’re taking to heart everything they are saying everything you should believe, but it’s really not that easy. And I fed into every lie this demon had in store for me. And it was by far probably one of the scariest times. Not the scariest, but by far it makes the list. I let all these lies be fed to me by spoon and I took them all willingly agreeing to each one, all the while laying down every armor and growth I had gained previously. And that’s when I became helpless. Because it wasn’t anything anyone could do for me. Besides God. It was all between me and God at this point and the only one who needed to make the move was me. And I resisted. Now thankfully I’ve acknowledged all of this before I did anything drastic and it definitely was not one of those cases where I did this for years and went down a path that is more commonly traveled by teenagers today. But still it was enough time for me. At this point, im not trying to say I wont have some fall backs. I can let you walk away with a 100% guarantee promise on whatever relationship we have that I will, in fact, have many fallbacks. I will many more times believe some lie that is told to me or that im not worthy of anything or any of the many more that I have believed. Sorry if you were hoping for a complete happy ending. The good news is I did have a long conversation with God last night and I did pray unceasingly for a period of time. And I am fully aware I was completely at fault in all of this. And this may be odd, but im actually kind of excited to fix all of this. Im also completely in awe that despite all of this, all this that God knew I was going to do, that I was going to listen to these demons feeding me these lies that he has promised over and over isn’t true. That I would even for a second doubt that he could truly love me after everything I’ve done, despite me not being able to see this big picture but him knowing I would turn back around in the end he’s still waiting there with open arms, with no fingers to point a blame, no thought to even say “well you remember when you did this?” nothing; he’s the same Loving God he’ll always be. And for which, I am completely grateful.

Ephesians 6:11-13

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Road Block.

I’m really not sure where to begin this. I can start by saying sorry for the lie in the last blog where I said I would get a new blog up that night. I really had all intentions of doing so. I even typed one up that night, and it was almost completely finished, then I realized I hated it and I pressed backspace until it was all gone. So, being very frustrated I gave up and have not found the motivation to give it another shot. Until today, because I really do have multiple things to get off of my mind, so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

Mind you all, anything that is expressed here is in no way asking for a pity party or anything of the sort. I just need to express a few things.

I’ve realized that im far different than most other people. But the places im different are the places I would either a.) Do anything to be like everyone else in or b.) Really hinder me in life. For starters, I realized that I care too much about other people. Have I blogged about this before? I think I might of. But im on a roll so I can’t stop now. I realized that I care so much for other people that I put them far above myself. This is hard for me to correct because it IS biblical to put other people above yourself. Example A.) Jesus. Enough said there. But I think I do it to a point that it becomes unhealthy. To a point that I ignore other important things, my grades for example or homework, to spend a couple hours talking with someone because they just need someone to talk to. I realized that ill drop anything at any point no matter what to do whatever you might need. And it’s killing me and im not really sure how, or if I should try to change or stop it. It’s becoming so bad that im now learning that my years of doing this are turning around to hit me in the face now that college is coming around. I can’t really put on all my applications that the reason im not an A++++ student is because I care more about my friends than my schoolwork. I don’t think colleges are looking for a student who will solve the entire student body’s problems. But if they were, id be there golden ticket. I also have come to find out that being the queen of procrastination is no crown I want to wear. But its one that once you have attained it is very, very, if not impossible to rid yourself of the throne quickly. In fact it seems when your ready to give the title up the entire kingdoms left your side.
This all came crashing down recently when I needed the most help of all, in almost every area of my life. Literally. Every thing felt like it was falling apart, I knew I wasn’t in control and I didn’t know how to ask for help at all. Now the few people who helped me before this (they know who they are) did help me through some stuff, and for them I am truly thankful. Obviously its not all fixed now but it’s closer to being fixed than it was before. But so you select few know this is something different. Something new, and something that after this is posted I will probably be confronted about. On this particular day I needed all the help I could get. A lot was on the line. You wouldn’t believe, trust me you really wouldn’t, how many people I asked. No, not asked, how many people I BEGGED to help me. And everyone, every single one, was busy. Or didn’t want to help. I honestly would have taken help from anyone. And im not even joking. Want proof? I was at Starbucks on that day, go figure, trying to get some stuff done and I even asked the lady WORKING AT STARBUCKS for help, mind you this was something small but it really would have benefited me greatly. And guess what, she didn’t even help me. And that sad part is she didn’t even say no. She said yes shed be right there and never came. This seems to happen a lot.

It’s to the point now that I don’t even know HOW to ask for help any more. So I guess im really the definition of helpless at the moment. The few people, devoted and loving people, who are going to ask me how they can help, I really will have no response for them because I don’t know how to explain it anymore. It’s so bad that on Sunday at church we had communion. And since I am only human and sinful to the max I am going to say this because I feel like im throwing out a lot tonight as it is. It’s always bothered me when people I know either a.) Are not saved take communion or b.) Shouldn’t be taking it for reasons well known. You know how they talk about that? Im not sure all the exact stuff they say before but it’s something along the lines of being right with God. But it’s truly none of my business that’s completely between them and Jesus. But this Sunday I was right in those shoes. I was at the point where I didn’t even know what to say to God anymore. I didn’t know what to pray for. Which really disturbed me. It was so bad that I couldn’t even bring myself to my feet to go get the communion stuff. Pathetic? Yes I know.
One of the things that is bogging my brain down is forgiveness.
You know how people say “Forgive and Forget”? Well I would like you to know that mostly, im not saying always, but for the most part that’s a load of crap. It’s completely impossible to simply forgive someone and then forget about it. Besides God but where not discussing that were more on the topic of how messed up humans are. I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately, trying to forgive people from past situations or forgive myself. And I can’t do either. A couple of the things, for years I have worked on trying to “forget” because I thought I had forgiven them. Then I had a revelation and realized the reason I couldn’t “forget” it was because I really hadn’t forgiven them. So then my thoughts were, of course “well now I just need to make sure I truly forgive them then ill be able to forget it.” Not so easy this time. In fact this time it seems impossible. So impossible it’s to the point where I can’t forgive myself for not being able to forgive them. It’s ironic that the message at church was on forgiveness. God was definitely talking to me.

This is kind of how i feel right now. Like in the cartoons you know when they come to the road like this...But they always have a second plan on how there going to stick it to the man and get around this road block. So now i have just have to find my plan B.