Hide and Go Seek

So my last blog was not encouraging in the least bit. And im truly apologetic. I feel as though I should probably have kept some of those thoughts to myself because I took the attitude that it was everyone else’s fault but my own. Which isn’t true. And I had a revelation last night, after I had the privilege to stay up until 4:00 finishing my lovely research paper. Awesome? I know. I was completely frustrated with myself and everyone one else that all I wanted to do was write my paper turn it in and pick up and move far far away. Just for those curious I was considering becoming a beach bum for a while and then making my way to Australia or somewhere cool like that. Great game plan right? Run from my problems! That will definitely make everything so much better.
Wrong. And I realized this, thankfully. Truthfully I don’t have enough guts to even do that. I would most likely get lost on my way to becoming the beach bum or get kidnapped or robbed on the way there. Then I would be screwed for the rest of the game plan and with that awesome avoid my problems mindset I probably would of turned around and returned home. So don’t get too worried. I realized after I thought about my game plan and I realized I was trying to fix my problems. All on my own. And not just me, I wanted other people to either fix them for me or help me fix them and make everything right again, just like it was a couple weeks ago. Which, might I add, I find it crazy how things can change so fast and go from completely fantastic, ignoring the minor things here and there to where it seems that everything has been tossed in the air, the lights turned off and someone telling you to catch everything. Just goes to show we really don’t have everything together or are ready to take anything on because anything could come around the corner and hit us hard and fast unexpectedly it nocks us to our butt. I guess that’s what happened. Im not really sure yet. Im not writing this saying that I have figured everything out, solved all of my problems and im completely back on track going 100 mph again. But im at least going the right direction now. After realizing I was the one trying to fix all my problems, I had a fun little self examination… if im trying to fix all of my problems that all have me as the main factor, and I am the one who got me into the mess then im probably going to do more harm then good when trying to fix it. Then I realized why I was having so much trouble.
Now let’s rewind to those couple weeks ago that I was talking about.
Everything was awesome. Well, that’s a lie. My relationship with God was awesome. I was on what some people call a ‘spiritual high.’ And it wasn’t one of those ones that you come back from camp with or after a really good sermon or any of the other things that are more common to produce the ‘spiritual high.’ It was purely just the result of me spending more time in the word and praying and setting aside specific time in the day that was just devoted to God. And I could literally see the spiritual growth that was happening. It was awesome. But I felt like I was preparing for something, but I wasn’t sure what. But at the time I dismissed it thinking well if it’s going this well obviously only good could come of it. Wrong.
I’ve dealt with spiritual warfare well a very slim dose of it. It’s one of those things you don’t really share with people because it kind of makes you sound like a lunatic. But im not making up stories here. So I recognize the signs. And normally that’s my signal to arm myself with God and be prepared for anything. Well you would think after this awesome spiritual high that I would be in the perfect mindset for this. Wrong again. This time it happened, I could sense it happening, I recognized the signs, I even pointed them out to people that are awesome accountability partners thinking “if I tell them it will probably help me be more aware and work on It better.” Yea, you guessed it, wrong again. I gave in and I listened to everything that was being said to me. And I let it all soak in and despite my knowledge and knowing better and know what was right and what I should really be telling myself, despite having people telling me what I should be believing and that these were all lies, I didn’t listen. It was one of those things where you let everyone believe you’re taking to heart everything they are saying everything you should believe, but it’s really not that easy. And I fed into every lie this demon had in store for me. And it was by far probably one of the scariest times. Not the scariest, but by far it makes the list. I let all these lies be fed to me by spoon and I took them all willingly agreeing to each one, all the while laying down every armor and growth I had gained previously. And that’s when I became helpless. Because it wasn’t anything anyone could do for me. Besides God. It was all between me and God at this point and the only one who needed to make the move was me. And I resisted. Now thankfully I’ve acknowledged all of this before I did anything drastic and it definitely was not one of those cases where I did this for years and went down a path that is more commonly traveled by teenagers today. But still it was enough time for me. At this point, im not trying to say I wont have some fall backs. I can let you walk away with a 100% guarantee promise on whatever relationship we have that I will, in fact, have many fallbacks. I will many more times believe some lie that is told to me or that im not worthy of anything or any of the many more that I have believed. Sorry if you were hoping for a complete happy ending. The good news is I did have a long conversation with God last night and I did pray unceasingly for a period of time. And I am fully aware I was completely at fault in all of this. And this may be odd, but im actually kind of excited to fix all of this. Im also completely in awe that despite all of this, all this that God knew I was going to do, that I was going to listen to these demons feeding me these lies that he has promised over and over isn’t true. That I would even for a second doubt that he could truly love me after everything I’ve done, despite me not being able to see this big picture but him knowing I would turn back around in the end he’s still waiting there with open arms, with no fingers to point a blame, no thought to even say “well you remember when you did this?” nothing; he’s the same Loving God he’ll always be. And for which, I am completely grateful.

Ephesians 6:11-13

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Road Block.

I’m really not sure where to begin this. I can start by saying sorry for the lie in the last blog where I said I would get a new blog up that night. I really had all intentions of doing so. I even typed one up that night, and it was almost completely finished, then I realized I hated it and I pressed backspace until it was all gone. So, being very frustrated I gave up and have not found the motivation to give it another shot. Until today, because I really do have multiple things to get off of my mind, so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

Mind you all, anything that is expressed here is in no way asking for a pity party or anything of the sort. I just need to express a few things.

I’ve realized that im far different than most other people. But the places im different are the places I would either a.) Do anything to be like everyone else in or b.) Really hinder me in life. For starters, I realized that I care too much about other people. Have I blogged about this before? I think I might of. But im on a roll so I can’t stop now. I realized that I care so much for other people that I put them far above myself. This is hard for me to correct because it IS biblical to put other people above yourself. Example A.) Jesus. Enough said there. But I think I do it to a point that it becomes unhealthy. To a point that I ignore other important things, my grades for example or homework, to spend a couple hours talking with someone because they just need someone to talk to. I realized that ill drop anything at any point no matter what to do whatever you might need. And it’s killing me and im not really sure how, or if I should try to change or stop it. It’s becoming so bad that im now learning that my years of doing this are turning around to hit me in the face now that college is coming around. I can’t really put on all my applications that the reason im not an A++++ student is because I care more about my friends than my schoolwork. I don’t think colleges are looking for a student who will solve the entire student body’s problems. But if they were, id be there golden ticket. I also have come to find out that being the queen of procrastination is no crown I want to wear. But its one that once you have attained it is very, very, if not impossible to rid yourself of the throne quickly. In fact it seems when your ready to give the title up the entire kingdoms left your side.
This all came crashing down recently when I needed the most help of all, in almost every area of my life. Literally. Every thing felt like it was falling apart, I knew I wasn’t in control and I didn’t know how to ask for help at all. Now the few people who helped me before this (they know who they are) did help me through some stuff, and for them I am truly thankful. Obviously its not all fixed now but it’s closer to being fixed than it was before. But so you select few know this is something different. Something new, and something that after this is posted I will probably be confronted about. On this particular day I needed all the help I could get. A lot was on the line. You wouldn’t believe, trust me you really wouldn’t, how many people I asked. No, not asked, how many people I BEGGED to help me. And everyone, every single one, was busy. Or didn’t want to help. I honestly would have taken help from anyone. And im not even joking. Want proof? I was at Starbucks on that day, go figure, trying to get some stuff done and I even asked the lady WORKING AT STARBUCKS for help, mind you this was something small but it really would have benefited me greatly. And guess what, she didn’t even help me. And that sad part is she didn’t even say no. She said yes shed be right there and never came. This seems to happen a lot.

It’s to the point now that I don’t even know HOW to ask for help any more. So I guess im really the definition of helpless at the moment. The few people, devoted and loving people, who are going to ask me how they can help, I really will have no response for them because I don’t know how to explain it anymore. It’s so bad that on Sunday at church we had communion. And since I am only human and sinful to the max I am going to say this because I feel like im throwing out a lot tonight as it is. It’s always bothered me when people I know either a.) Are not saved take communion or b.) Shouldn’t be taking it for reasons well known. You know how they talk about that? Im not sure all the exact stuff they say before but it’s something along the lines of being right with God. But it’s truly none of my business that’s completely between them and Jesus. But this Sunday I was right in those shoes. I was at the point where I didn’t even know what to say to God anymore. I didn’t know what to pray for. Which really disturbed me. It was so bad that I couldn’t even bring myself to my feet to go get the communion stuff. Pathetic? Yes I know.
One of the things that is bogging my brain down is forgiveness.
You know how people say “Forgive and Forget”? Well I would like you to know that mostly, im not saying always, but for the most part that’s a load of crap. It’s completely impossible to simply forgive someone and then forget about it. Besides God but where not discussing that were more on the topic of how messed up humans are. I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately, trying to forgive people from past situations or forgive myself. And I can’t do either. A couple of the things, for years I have worked on trying to “forget” because I thought I had forgiven them. Then I had a revelation and realized the reason I couldn’t “forget” it was because I really hadn’t forgiven them. So then my thoughts were, of course “well now I just need to make sure I truly forgive them then ill be able to forget it.” Not so easy this time. In fact this time it seems impossible. So impossible it’s to the point where I can’t forgive myself for not being able to forgive them. It’s ironic that the message at church was on forgiveness. God was definitely talking to me.

This is kind of how i feel right now. Like in the cartoons you know when they come to the road like this...But they always have a second plan on how there going to stick it to the man and get around this road block. So now i have just have to find my plan B.

School days.

So, the thing i love about most of my teachers is when i whip out my laptop to "take notes" they don't question anything. And when i happen to stumble upon facebook or my blog, its a nice escape from class. Especially since i sit in the back of all my classes, so i never get in trouble.

My brain is swarming with ideas to blog about but i can't focus them all in. So maybe later tonight something worth reading will come to me.

For now ill share my next idea.

I think im going to take the picture over there to my hair dresser and ask her to cut it like this. I wonder how many people have brought cartoons from there book covers to her for inspiration... guess we'll see.