Innocence.

I wish innocence was something we had control over. I wish it was something we could keep in our possession and loose it as we please. Not have to leave it up to society, parents, friends, media, t.v., radios, schools, or movies to take it away from us.





I feel like today's kids are deprived of there innocence at way to young of an age. Image, populairty,sexuality, etc., is pushed on them at far to young an age. My 8 year old sister has learned so much just from watching tv that she has more sass than im pretty sure i had at the age of 14. She's already caring about what she wears and how she looks, ive over heard her say phrases and words that i deffinately did NOT say at 8. And it breaks my heart. I feel like having innocence is a special part of growing up.





Honestly, i wish i still had all mine.


Now, i understand that you loose innocence naturally as you grow up. Obviously we realize that its really not Santa Clause sneaking into our house, and its really our parents leaving us the presents under the tree. Or that there's not really a little winged woman who flys house to house each night collecting teeth and tradeing them from her endless supply of money. And we hopefully come to realize that there is no giant bunny that hops around on Easter morning, while we are all still asleep, leaving us easter baskets filled with prizes. These are things that just come to us with age. And thats acceptable.





I also realize that some people would not think i should be, of all people, talking about lack of innonce, seeing how i go to a private christian school. But honestly, im okay with the fact that i still have to ask dumb questions like if weed and crack are the same thing or many of the other things i've asked before. Im alright with not knowing all that. I also understand that with age comes responsiblity and some things people expect you to know, things that force little chips of your innocence away. Also, i know that some people are born into families where innocence is ripped away at a young age and they have nothing to do with it.





But, i wish that we could keep the faith of innocent children. Ones who don't see anything wrong with going to talk to the not so well dressed man on the bench. Or the ones who don't understand why anyone would hurt them if they walked away from their mom in a store. The ones who trust and hang on every single word you say. The ones who look up to their parents and know that no one could surpass how great their mommy and daddy are.

This where i am truly thankful that times have changed and im no where near the age of having a child. Sure i know i could raise a child, helping raise little brothers and sisters prepares you more than you would believe, but, how do parents decide what they are going to let there child watch? How much is to much? Do you let them believe in santa clause but not the easter bunny? I dont know. See i think that there is such a fine line between whats okay and whats to far. Some kids i have grown up with are so sheltered that i fear for them even attempting to enter the real world. Then theres other who know way to much at such a young age that i fear for what they may think of the world. It's such an oppinonated thing. Crazy.

SO if we were as innocent as we once were, do you think we would be stronger in our faith? We wouldnt have all the bad things to worry about. Children dont see bad in the world. Only good. So we could never ask the question " why would a good God let something bad happen." We would have complete trust in him. Which i can personally say is a pretty big struggle of mine. We wouldnt have the daily doubt of will he still love me after i do this, because for all we know, well some of us, hes going to love us even more than our moms and dads, and well heck, they sure love us alot and we think there the best in the world then WHO KNOWs how awesome God's love is going to be.

Oh, to be as innocent as a child. What a gift.

2 Timothy 2:22

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Avalanche.

The million dollar question of the year seems to be "what college do you want to go to?" Which could also be translated-"what do you want to do with the rest of your life?" Which at 17, i think someone has forgotten to show me where to buy the

"what to do with the rest of your life" book. Im starting to get worried.

Your entire life your told, make sure when you pick a job when your "grown up" its something you love, because you cant be happy if you dont love what you do. So thats the path i thought i would go down. Did people forget, on purpose, to not put a warning label under that statement? "Caution: Sometimes the "real world" wont have a job for what you love to do, and if they do, hah, well good luck trying to get it." I hate that 4 years of torture, and what can end up being 4 years of mistakes or 4 years of working your butt off, helps a board of important people decide if your equipped to go to that school. Frankly, i dont think thats how it should be gone about at all. No wonder so many people dont want to go to college, or are classified as "trying to find themself" when there searching for a college. We have people right and left slamming doors in our faces. Were constantly reminded of the one class we didnt really care about sophmore year, that dragged down the number that i cringe everytime its braught up, gpa. We have to make a decison that effects a large portion of your life, wait sorry, i mean to say the REST of your life. AND the best part is when you do decide what you want to do, you do decide where you want to go, what you want to do in life, or better yet where you feel God is calling you. Your dreams are set. You know its going to happen. You can feel it with everything thats in you. Then you break the news to people and it feels like they basically just punch you in the gut with there reaction. "your no where near good enough for that" is what they basically try to get across, in a nicer way of course. Or better yet is the comparison game, thats always a fun one. Where you are reminded with in a 10 minute time span, of all your smart friends, what colleges have already offered them a chance at success, and there perfect life there going to lead and then its turned back on you, so they dont forget to include you,of course, where they bring up everything on your list and compare it to the worlds and go

"O, sorry, looks like your not qualified to fulfill your dreams, keep looking kid."

Or the best is when you can tell someone doesnt believe in you.

Thats the ultimate right there.

Who wants to feel that? ever? lets keep that in mind next time were telling someone there not capable, because frankly this is what i want to scream in everyones faces

"Sorry, i have the power of Jesus Christ in me, and nothing on this earth will keep me from completing his will."

but of course i dont, and i polietly keep my mouth shut.

Thats what dragging me down. I know this Story isnt about me. Its all about God and bringing him glory through it all. So why, when it seems that im set on following God, everyone has to rip me in shreds to pull me farther from him than where i was before?

I think i wept for the first time tonight.

I've had my share of crying before, no doubt about that, but never like this.

I've had my share of crying for spiritual matters, never, ever, like this.
THIS was new.

And probally one of the most heartbreaking, bring you to your knees, head to the ground, feeling like theres no end to tears, moments of my life. I know, sad right?

Anyways. Basically i had a long talk with God. We covered alot too. And ive decided to change alot. For starters im not going to sit around and let people tell me what i can and cannot do with my life. Im also not going to let them tell me what path i need to take, what college i can and cannot go to and all that jazz. Im sick of living for myself and other people. Ive never prayed like this before. I know im saved. Ive been saved, for quite some time actually, but i think if i had to pick a term it would probally be rededicated? would best describe it.

Im done trying to live my faith on my own. Who ever put that thought in my head in the first place? Someone, please, go trip them. Because thats what i feel like has happened. Someone tripped me and its taken a while for me to get back to my feet. I've realized i cant do any of this on my own. NO matter how many people try to tell me " you just have to put your mind to it and you can do it." sorry, thats a lie. Maybe put your mind to christ, focus in on that first. Then give it a shot. there you go. that might work a little better. Im done living this way. Im ready to do anything and everything for God. and through him.

All A's my senior year? okay i can make that work, only through God though. Living for God not myself? only with his help. i DEFFINATLEY cannot make that happen on my own.

Relying on Gods truth, Gods word, Gods promises, Gods everlasting love, that will not let me fail, will not let me go, will not cut me down, hang me out to dry, or leave me feeling like i have no purpose to even try. THATS what im going to hold onto to get me through all this. Sorry satan, you lost this time.

No mans voice or action, anything you put me through, any thought you put in my head,

sorry its just not going to cut it this time.

While thinking that my eyes had been some how magically connected to a waterfall, this verse came to mind and i knew i had nothing to worry about.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

the wonderful topic of LOVE

So.i was thinking the other day, in a wild assortment of thoughts, about love.

Go figure the subject of a teenage girls thoughts. But seriously. I was wondering about obsession and love. Obsession is considered a bad thing. People who are obsessed are engulfed with one thought, one person, one thing. So can love be considered obsession? Love is one of those sacred things that seems to make things right. So how can it be confused with obsession, which normally is not considered as a good thing.

In our society today, young girls are taught the form of love that i think can be mistaken as obsession. We are taught that you need a guy to make you happy, and once you have one, he needs to be your every thought,and the reason for everything you do, the reason you get up in the morning , the last thought before you go to sleep. So, it should'nt be so uncommon for girls to become obsessed with love.

So is the next thing that people become obsessed with the idea of love? It's shoved down our throats all the time, so we learn to think we need it to survive. Not realizeing all the people we have with us daily who outpoor love on us. But some of us become obsessed with the idea of having love. If were not in love, nothing can be right. They cant be happy without it.

So what if we turned all this obsession for a love to God? If we yearned for a love with him. One that consumed everything :thought,movement, action. But then could that also be a bad thing? Obsession is considred a bad thing. It envloves the mind mostly. So could being obsessed with God end up being a bad? Satan was obsessed with God he wanted to be like him, then he wanted to be even better than him. So could obsession with the only perfect thing twist our broken human thoughts? So maybe love and obsession should be left alone, on their own. Maybe its time we start defining the differance. Sure its fine to be completly happy with one person. Its fine for them to change your mood, or to consume some of your thoughts. But maybe if we were completly in love with God, the thought of being consumed with anything else but him would seem stupid.

In the book im re-reading right now, Redemming love, one of the main character's tells his wife he doesnt want to be the god of her life, just apart of it. He wants to share in her life, love her the best he can but praise God while through out it all. It was an awesome picture to me. We should never let anything take any morsal of a spot that belongs to God. They can just run along with us in our journey with falling more and more in love with God daily.

I leave for a missions trip to Alaska at 11:30 today. I'm so excited. It's going to be amazing i can feel it. I hope God uses me to the max in anything and everything that could possibly be done. I'm praying for a safe flight and all that. Im bummed summers over though. I get back a day before school starts then i enter the big bad world of being a senior. My highschool years are dwindling fast. I have to live this year up. Scary to think college is just around the corner. Im ready for it though. I'm extremly sad i have to leave lindsey for a week. Sorry linds, try and have fun with out me :( AND casey. your crazy dont loose your phone again EVER k? its killing me.

love to all ill be back soon. Keep the team in your prayers if you can. :]