Hide and Go Seek

So my last blog was not encouraging in the least bit. And im truly apologetic. I feel as though I should probably have kept some of those thoughts to myself because I took the attitude that it was everyone else’s fault but my own. Which isn’t true. And I had a revelation last night, after I had the privilege to stay up until 4:00 finishing my lovely research paper. Awesome? I know. I was completely frustrated with myself and everyone one else that all I wanted to do was write my paper turn it in and pick up and move far far away. Just for those curious I was considering becoming a beach bum for a while and then making my way to Australia or somewhere cool like that. Great game plan right? Run from my problems! That will definitely make everything so much better.
Wrong. And I realized this, thankfully. Truthfully I don’t have enough guts to even do that. I would most likely get lost on my way to becoming the beach bum or get kidnapped or robbed on the way there. Then I would be screwed for the rest of the game plan and with that awesome avoid my problems mindset I probably would of turned around and returned home. So don’t get too worried. I realized after I thought about my game plan and I realized I was trying to fix my problems. All on my own. And not just me, I wanted other people to either fix them for me or help me fix them and make everything right again, just like it was a couple weeks ago. Which, might I add, I find it crazy how things can change so fast and go from completely fantastic, ignoring the minor things here and there to where it seems that everything has been tossed in the air, the lights turned off and someone telling you to catch everything. Just goes to show we really don’t have everything together or are ready to take anything on because anything could come around the corner and hit us hard and fast unexpectedly it nocks us to our butt. I guess that’s what happened. Im not really sure yet. Im not writing this saying that I have figured everything out, solved all of my problems and im completely back on track going 100 mph again. But im at least going the right direction now. After realizing I was the one trying to fix all my problems, I had a fun little self examination… if im trying to fix all of my problems that all have me as the main factor, and I am the one who got me into the mess then im probably going to do more harm then good when trying to fix it. Then I realized why I was having so much trouble.
Now let’s rewind to those couple weeks ago that I was talking about.
Everything was awesome. Well, that’s a lie. My relationship with God was awesome. I was on what some people call a ‘spiritual high.’ And it wasn’t one of those ones that you come back from camp with or after a really good sermon or any of the other things that are more common to produce the ‘spiritual high.’ It was purely just the result of me spending more time in the word and praying and setting aside specific time in the day that was just devoted to God. And I could literally see the spiritual growth that was happening. It was awesome. But I felt like I was preparing for something, but I wasn’t sure what. But at the time I dismissed it thinking well if it’s going this well obviously only good could come of it. Wrong.
I’ve dealt with spiritual warfare well a very slim dose of it. It’s one of those things you don’t really share with people because it kind of makes you sound like a lunatic. But im not making up stories here. So I recognize the signs. And normally that’s my signal to arm myself with God and be prepared for anything. Well you would think after this awesome spiritual high that I would be in the perfect mindset for this. Wrong again. This time it happened, I could sense it happening, I recognized the signs, I even pointed them out to people that are awesome accountability partners thinking “if I tell them it will probably help me be more aware and work on It better.” Yea, you guessed it, wrong again. I gave in and I listened to everything that was being said to me. And I let it all soak in and despite my knowledge and knowing better and know what was right and what I should really be telling myself, despite having people telling me what I should be believing and that these were all lies, I didn’t listen. It was one of those things where you let everyone believe you’re taking to heart everything they are saying everything you should believe, but it’s really not that easy. And I fed into every lie this demon had in store for me. And it was by far probably one of the scariest times. Not the scariest, but by far it makes the list. I let all these lies be fed to me by spoon and I took them all willingly agreeing to each one, all the while laying down every armor and growth I had gained previously. And that’s when I became helpless. Because it wasn’t anything anyone could do for me. Besides God. It was all between me and God at this point and the only one who needed to make the move was me. And I resisted. Now thankfully I’ve acknowledged all of this before I did anything drastic and it definitely was not one of those cases where I did this for years and went down a path that is more commonly traveled by teenagers today. But still it was enough time for me. At this point, im not trying to say I wont have some fall backs. I can let you walk away with a 100% guarantee promise on whatever relationship we have that I will, in fact, have many fallbacks. I will many more times believe some lie that is told to me or that im not worthy of anything or any of the many more that I have believed. Sorry if you were hoping for a complete happy ending. The good news is I did have a long conversation with God last night and I did pray unceasingly for a period of time. And I am fully aware I was completely at fault in all of this. And this may be odd, but im actually kind of excited to fix all of this. Im also completely in awe that despite all of this, all this that God knew I was going to do, that I was going to listen to these demons feeding me these lies that he has promised over and over isn’t true. That I would even for a second doubt that he could truly love me after everything I’ve done, despite me not being able to see this big picture but him knowing I would turn back around in the end he’s still waiting there with open arms, with no fingers to point a blame, no thought to even say “well you remember when you did this?” nothing; he’s the same Loving God he’ll always be. And for which, I am completely grateful.

Ephesians 6:11-13

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Road Block.

I’m really not sure where to begin this. I can start by saying sorry for the lie in the last blog where I said I would get a new blog up that night. I really had all intentions of doing so. I even typed one up that night, and it was almost completely finished, then I realized I hated it and I pressed backspace until it was all gone. So, being very frustrated I gave up and have not found the motivation to give it another shot. Until today, because I really do have multiple things to get off of my mind, so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

Mind you all, anything that is expressed here is in no way asking for a pity party or anything of the sort. I just need to express a few things.

I’ve realized that im far different than most other people. But the places im different are the places I would either a.) Do anything to be like everyone else in or b.) Really hinder me in life. For starters, I realized that I care too much about other people. Have I blogged about this before? I think I might of. But im on a roll so I can’t stop now. I realized that I care so much for other people that I put them far above myself. This is hard for me to correct because it IS biblical to put other people above yourself. Example A.) Jesus. Enough said there. But I think I do it to a point that it becomes unhealthy. To a point that I ignore other important things, my grades for example or homework, to spend a couple hours talking with someone because they just need someone to talk to. I realized that ill drop anything at any point no matter what to do whatever you might need. And it’s killing me and im not really sure how, or if I should try to change or stop it. It’s becoming so bad that im now learning that my years of doing this are turning around to hit me in the face now that college is coming around. I can’t really put on all my applications that the reason im not an A++++ student is because I care more about my friends than my schoolwork. I don’t think colleges are looking for a student who will solve the entire student body’s problems. But if they were, id be there golden ticket. I also have come to find out that being the queen of procrastination is no crown I want to wear. But its one that once you have attained it is very, very, if not impossible to rid yourself of the throne quickly. In fact it seems when your ready to give the title up the entire kingdoms left your side.
This all came crashing down recently when I needed the most help of all, in almost every area of my life. Literally. Every thing felt like it was falling apart, I knew I wasn’t in control and I didn’t know how to ask for help at all. Now the few people who helped me before this (they know who they are) did help me through some stuff, and for them I am truly thankful. Obviously its not all fixed now but it’s closer to being fixed than it was before. But so you select few know this is something different. Something new, and something that after this is posted I will probably be confronted about. On this particular day I needed all the help I could get. A lot was on the line. You wouldn’t believe, trust me you really wouldn’t, how many people I asked. No, not asked, how many people I BEGGED to help me. And everyone, every single one, was busy. Or didn’t want to help. I honestly would have taken help from anyone. And im not even joking. Want proof? I was at Starbucks on that day, go figure, trying to get some stuff done and I even asked the lady WORKING AT STARBUCKS for help, mind you this was something small but it really would have benefited me greatly. And guess what, she didn’t even help me. And that sad part is she didn’t even say no. She said yes shed be right there and never came. This seems to happen a lot.

It’s to the point now that I don’t even know HOW to ask for help any more. So I guess im really the definition of helpless at the moment. The few people, devoted and loving people, who are going to ask me how they can help, I really will have no response for them because I don’t know how to explain it anymore. It’s so bad that on Sunday at church we had communion. And since I am only human and sinful to the max I am going to say this because I feel like im throwing out a lot tonight as it is. It’s always bothered me when people I know either a.) Are not saved take communion or b.) Shouldn’t be taking it for reasons well known. You know how they talk about that? Im not sure all the exact stuff they say before but it’s something along the lines of being right with God. But it’s truly none of my business that’s completely between them and Jesus. But this Sunday I was right in those shoes. I was at the point where I didn’t even know what to say to God anymore. I didn’t know what to pray for. Which really disturbed me. It was so bad that I couldn’t even bring myself to my feet to go get the communion stuff. Pathetic? Yes I know.
One of the things that is bogging my brain down is forgiveness.
You know how people say “Forgive and Forget”? Well I would like you to know that mostly, im not saying always, but for the most part that’s a load of crap. It’s completely impossible to simply forgive someone and then forget about it. Besides God but where not discussing that were more on the topic of how messed up humans are. I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately, trying to forgive people from past situations or forgive myself. And I can’t do either. A couple of the things, for years I have worked on trying to “forget” because I thought I had forgiven them. Then I had a revelation and realized the reason I couldn’t “forget” it was because I really hadn’t forgiven them. So then my thoughts were, of course “well now I just need to make sure I truly forgive them then ill be able to forget it.” Not so easy this time. In fact this time it seems impossible. So impossible it’s to the point where I can’t forgive myself for not being able to forgive them. It’s ironic that the message at church was on forgiveness. God was definitely talking to me.

This is kind of how i feel right now. Like in the cartoons you know when they come to the road like this...But they always have a second plan on how there going to stick it to the man and get around this road block. So now i have just have to find my plan B.

School days.

So, the thing i love about most of my teachers is when i whip out my laptop to "take notes" they don't question anything. And when i happen to stumble upon facebook or my blog, its a nice escape from class. Especially since i sit in the back of all my classes, so i never get in trouble.

My brain is swarming with ideas to blog about but i can't focus them all in. So maybe later tonight something worth reading will come to me.

For now ill share my next idea.

I think im going to take the picture over there to my hair dresser and ask her to cut it like this. I wonder how many people have brought cartoons from there book covers to her for inspiration... guess we'll see.

Please, RELAX.

In my personal opinion, people today have very short tempers. Everything gets us so worked up even if it’s the smallest thing, like someone cutting you off while driving, or something taking too long in the line at the store, or any of the other things that come to your mind when you think of getting angry.

I feel as though I have to walk on egg shells to make sure im making everyone happy.

To make sure that there is not one person I might be making angry. Now, would you consider this a wrong way of living? Some might. Because ULTIMATLEY we are supposed to only live to please God. And that’s what I try to do. I try to live only to serve him. But I feel like I try to turn pleasing God into pleasing people. I love serving. I love volunteering. I love taking time to spend with people who just need to talk. I love doing anything and everything that might include helping someone else. But I think, no, I KNOW that I do it too often. Is that possible? I feel like I tend to ignore my personal issues. The ones I should work out before trying to help someone else, or the fact that I am one of the best procrastinators you may ever meet. Im not sure how to approach this. There are verses on all of these. Not putting things off until tomorrow, putting others above your self, not being lazy, and not being worried. All this stuff that I get caught up in.

Sorry for the tangent. Back to the original topic.

I feel like we waste way to much of our life being upset. Imagine how much easier things would be if some of us just learned to let things go? Someone’s a little late meeting you? Oh well, no one can control traffic. Someone forgets to call you back? There is more to life than keeping up with your cell phone. Plans get ruined? Maybe God stopped them from happening to prevent something else from happening. I don’t know maybe it’s just me. Maybe I should learn to care MORE or something. So this could be a skewed view of the subject. I really don’t care because I honestly feel like the world needs to lighten up, just a tad. Think of the time we waste? Some people go hours, days, months, years, and lifetimes not talking over something miniscule. It’s so lame. I mean, I understand that parents, teachers and who ever else might be an authority figure- yell at you, punish you or get angry with you to teach you life lessons, or academic lessons, whatever. BUT I am sorry, maybe its just me, but I do not think me being 3 minutes late to your class is going to cause the world to stop when I walk through the door and hinder any learning I may receive in that class. I won’t even get started on parental issues. I just think that parents need to learn to let some things go, lighten up a bit. Kids are not perfect. We are learning to live life just as you are learning how to raise us to live it. You freaking out over every single thing that we don’t do right doesn’t help us much but to just realize that we are even more screwed up then we already thought. It’s overwhelming.

Psalms 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil.

Im backkkkkkkkk

• So, just for the record, I was not kidnapped, nor did I get lost or forget my password. I simply have just been busy beyond words. Which is odd because I feel as though I have not done anything productive throughout my busyness? What a let down.
  
  Anyways, another excuse for my absence from my blog is that I have had SO much on my mind I have not been able to pin-point one thing to write about. This has become very overwhelming. Instead of just going on and on about at least one thing I’ve just been thinking over EVERYTHING and it’s driving me insane. So here I am, hoping I will be able to spit some of my thoughts out about what has been keeping my mind so occupied.
  
  It’s crazy how much has changed in just a little over a month. Seriously, a lot has been flipped around and turned upside down. For starters, my mother, bless her heart, decided I needed to be tested. I leave it at tested because all she made me aware of was being tested for A.D.D, which I as fine with. It bothers me to no end sometimes how I can not focus on one thing no matter how hard I try. So I gladly went, bringing on the help and any drugs that may come along with that help as assistance. Well as I’m sitting in this chair, in this mans house, because he does the testing from his home? Which I found was odd to begin with, but convenient because he lived in my neighborhood, so after the THREE HOURS OF TESTING I didn’t have a far drive. So I am sitting at his dinning room table, wondering 30 minutes into this process why it was going to take him 3 hours to access whether or not I had A.D.D, because for starters trying to make me sit in a chair-still, quiet, and focusing on a test? In itself is enough proof that I most likely have it. So about midway into this test I realize there is no way that the question he has just asked me “do you stay in your room secluded from people for long periods of time” would have anything to do with me having attention problems, and it dawns on me the reason he probably is set up in his nice peaceful house, away from doctors is because this is no ordinary A.D.D testing place. This is a place to test me for ANY disorder that may pop up on the thousands we have today in America. So, I finish the testing, happy with myself that I discovered my mom and my new examiner in there sneaky plot to see what’s wrong with me. After the gruesome test I gave my wonderful mother a call to tell her the news I had discovered all on my own. Now, pause, the doctor was not able to make a complete assessment on the disorders I have right then. Apparently he needed time to go over and analyze the 400 plus questions I had answered along with all the tests I had completed in the last 3 hours. Which makes since, we don’t want him putting all my hard work to waste by just going off on a wild limb at what might be my problem. So before I walk out of his calming, peaceful house he informs me that from his observation, which he has plenty of time to do between my shaking leg, tapping fingers, getting angry and blocks that wouldn’t make the right form and throwing them and all the other many things I managed to do in that time slot, he made a guess that he was pretty positive I have (drum roll please) A.D.H.D, Anxiety disorder, AND O.C.D. I know right? The best part when I tell everyone this is that they all go when are you getting your drugs? Because, apparently, those disorders come with fabulous medication. So I call my mom to ask her why she didn’t tell me that it was a test to just find out if I have a problem paying attention but to figure out everything that could be wrong and she goes:

  “ Well I knew you would worry about what might be wrong with you if I told you
  that and you wouldn’t be able to focus in school all day until you took the
  test and then you would freak out if whether you were doing everything right during the test, so I just left it at an A.D.D. test.”
  

  
  I had nothing to do after that but laugh, and then inform her about the doctor’s assessment that matched her explanation to not telling me the truth TO A TEE! So, all this to say, don’t let your mom trick you into those tests. They are no fun what so ever and they make you do things that are impossible to see how you respond when you can’t do it.
  
  OH one more thing. They play opera music in the background that makes you want to shoot your foot.
  
  On to something other than my many disorders, after an eventful abnormally drama-filled week for a private school, I have decided I could make some MAD money off of my schools problems. All I need are some actors, a set and some money to produce the soap opera on a TV. show (and p.s. after producing this show I will pay you back the money plus some because it will be a huge success.) I have discovered no where else, besides reality TV which I am pretty sure they base off of high school experiences to begin with, can you find more back-stabbing, self consumed, conniving, love-sick, need for attention, do anything as long as it doesn’t make me look bad people in the entire world. Well, I am sure you can but so far in my life experience, which I know I know is not very much, this is the only place that I am positive you can find all of the above traits, if you’re interested in these things, that is. I am overwhelmed by everything that is going I can’t take it. The worst part is, is most of the people are professing Christians. With EVERYTHING that is going on, and im not talking about the big-highlight, what would make the front of the gossip magazine if we had one things that are going on im talking all the way down to the little things, all of it all has to do with people who on Sundays you would not think a problem was in there forecast for miles upon miles. It is literally insane. Now, by no means am I sitting here saying that I don’t have any problems like these people or that I am any better than them in the least bit. As I just stated in the paragraph before this, I have many issues of my own. I will tell you that in a heart beat. But I am saying that I don’t understand how some of these situations come up since the people are saying “oh im giving it all to God.” I can’t fathom it. Im sorry, it just doesn’t click in my brain.
  I think I need to stop here. I could most definitely say more, but I don’t think I need too. So I may vent all that out and just save it in a draft. Yes, check.
  
  Moving on.
  
  In philosophy we are talking about all the different types of love. Or I guess more so the different Greek definitions of love. Here, let me enlighten you before continuing so there is no confusion or homework after reading this short novel im producing.
  Eros-Romantic, passionate love, this does not have to include physical attraction but more love of the soul. Also, sexual love.
  Philia or Philos- Friendship love, as in being loyal, equality and so on. It can also be used between lovers too.
  Agape- this is like general affection, and holding someone in high regard. It also deals with self-sacrificial love for whatever is being loved. Unconditional, all consuming
  Storge- natural affection, like between parents and children and relationships with family
  LAST but not least
  Thelema- in greek this means desire, so this is like to be occupied with or ‘desire’ to do something.
  All that to say I hope you leave this page feeling like you have learned something at least after reading all this, which I thank who ever is wasting there time to read all this in the first place. Now on to why I just decided to give a small lesson. For starters, I think the Greeks were amazing and incredibly smart. I hate how English boxes in the word love. I can love to read, love my friends and love God and those are all vastly different things.
  I was thinking today after class if it was a bad thing for me to love my close friends with agape love? My teacher, which side note, this will be the third year in a row that I have learned about these different types of love but for some reason this year it really caught my attention, was explaining how agape would be a type of love where you are willing to lay down your life and do anything it would take to protect that person you loved. AKA- Jesus death on the cross, God’s unconditional love, all would be thrown into Agape. He threw in there that if situation presented itself, if you needed to harm a person, for example if someone was going to hurt someone I “Agape” loved and I had a gun you would shoot them to protect your love one. Or another example would be you laying down your life for that person’s sake. He said most of the time this is with family especially once you become married. I think you get the picture im kind of tired of repeating his lecture BUT I was thinking if it’s bad for me to love my best friends with this kind of love. Because I would, if I needed to, harm another person to keep the one I loved safe. But then would that mean I am selfish for thinking of that person and how much I loved them and not caring about the third party to this scenario? Im not sure. It sure made me feel awful when I admitted to myself that I would shoot someone, if someone was dumb enough to give me a gun and I figured out how to use it, to protect someone I loved. And the fact that I was using Agape to describe how I would harm someone else to save my loved one when in that same definition I had to think of God sending his son to sacrifice to have me for eternity. Honestly, I felt worthless after it all and was thankful for the unconditional part of agape.
  
  But imagine if we did walk around with that idea of love in our head? Where we could go as far as to lay down our life for another person, always putting them first, and unconditionally loving them no matter what happened? Actually, you could probably go as far as to say what if we walked around with the combination of all these types of love for everyone else? Imagine the different world we would live in? I feel as though today love as become a selfish thing. People love to see what they can get out of it in return, and if it’s inconveniencing them or causes them to suffer, well then you can forget that-onto the next victim. Love has turned into this self-focused thing. It kills me that something that is such a gift is so easily used for self gratifying purposes.
  
  

  I don’t understand how we are so twisted, it blows my mind.

Good thing we are saved by grace.

Ephesians 2:10

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Angels & Heartaches.

It's been a while. Where to begin. I think i havn't written in so long because i've been thinking about SO much that i havn't been able to pick one thing out to write about. So we will have to see how this goes.

I've always wanted to be an angel. Ever since i can remember ive wanted to become an angel. I rememeber when i was little i wanted to grow up and be one, but then i found out that you can't pick that as a "Grown-up-job." I'm pretty sure i cried. Odd thing to want to be, right? I know. I don't know why. I think its as odd a dream just as any might say it is. I've just always been facinated by them. I was talking to a good friend the other day and he pointed out that angels are not emphasized in the bible so people would not worship them over God, which i think makes perfect sence. Obviously, God in all his glory, deserves all our worship.
BUT can't you see us, mere humans, getting caught up in how awesome angels are? How they get to serve our amazing God every single day? Think of all they have witnessed? Think of what they have to say about when 1/3 of them went off with satan? I bet thats a story in itself. Think also how they get to sit around all day praising God just singing out praises to him. Who wouldn't want to be in the angel choir in heaven? That would probally be the best job... IN THE WORLD. And where did guarding angels come from? Do really have those? If so mines probally beside me popping me on the head for asking a dumb question. I know there put on this earth to help carry out God's plan and protect us. Think about that, the fact that you could of 'accidently' overlooked an Angel that was protecting you from harms way.
So see, obviously its so easy to get caught up in how awesome they are, or maybe thats just me.
Good thing in everything that there doing its worship God. What an example we should try to follow. Not the whole flying part and all, just the honoring God in every single thing we do. Hm.

So, i've been stuck in a rock in a hard place lately. Im trying to make some pretty HUGE decisions. Some not as important as others, but still affect my life in a significant way non the less. So ive been praying about it all for weeks on end, and you know what? I still dont know what to do. And frankly, im so frustrated. Now im not sitting here saying that when i pray i expect and audible voice to come down from above and tell me what to do or for an angel to appear telling me all i need to know, hah. I don't need a sign, or any of that jazz. I just would like some reassurance when i think about the subject, you know what i mean? Now i know im not the most confident person in the world. I will glaldy admit that to any person who might ask me. I share no shame in telling you the truth. Im a sinner saved by grace with alot of things to fix on my way. But all these important things i have decide on, which lets stop to say that i am by no means a decisive person in the least bit, i wish there was an easier way to know whats right. I'm so afraid that im going to be dead set on one thing shoot for it and then BAM run into a shut door. Which is not the best feeling in the world, trust me i've done it before.

On another note, i think i have an issue with commitment. Which i never really noticed before. I guess we can all pause for a sigh and a "brittany may be growing up."
But its not that ive tried to deny it or anything, i'm just now noticing it. And its not like i want it. OR that i decide that im just going to not commit to anything i just have trouble doing it. I guess it leads back to the me not being decisive and also worrying that im choosing the wrong thing, or person.

So yes, i said it. Maybe thats what i've been trying to get too. How are we supposed to know your picking the right person to pursue a relationship with? I mean, i know God cares, but does God have guys lined up for you, or in other cases-girls, that your supposed to date before you get to your ment-to-be husband/wife? Which obviously he already knows if you are going to choose to date before marriage and who those people will be and what they will change in your life and how they will open up another door to something he is trying to teach you, but would he also give you the wisdom on which ones might cause less stress/turmoil/tears/ everything else that might come along with the lovely world of highschool relationships.
Praise Jesus im almost done with that chapter of my life.
Now i know its in the statistics for me to have commital problems, as the result of my parents being divorced. Yes i know, according to research i will have relationship issues, due to the fact that apperntly im confused on what a "real relationship" is supposed to look like, and i am also at a higher risk of getting divorced when i am married. But to be honest, i think that's all a load of crap. And i can not even begin to explain the fire that gets worked up inside me when they telll me i am destined for failure.
I am sorry, but frankly, i don't think ANYONE has the right to sit there and tell me that i will not have a succesful marriage just because my parents did not work out. I understand the baggage and issues i have to work through on my own to make my future marraige work out but that does mean that you can go so quick to say that i do not have that ability to work through all those things before i get married. Thank you very much. And another thing, whats with people settling these days? Im not sure. How about someone told me my standards were TOO HIGH for todays average teenage boy. Oh im sorry im just looking for man after Gods heart, not the guy the world tells him to be. They said its going to take a long time and alot of heartbreaks to realize that guys going to be hard to find. Well heartbreaks im not so sure about, but time i can deal with waiting for that guy. Im not in any rush.
This all goes back to the commitment thing you will see in a second.
How do you seperate your your feelings for what you know is right?
How do i solve the problem of knowing what i want and knowing what i need. Or knowing what i may want so badly, and may end up getting, could mean that im settling? But who am i to say im settling right? How do i know what i need at 17? I don't. What if the one person we always shut our doors too is the exact person God knows you need in your life. What if yall are supposed to grow together? Oh brother i dont know. My brain is begining to hurt going back and forth like this.
All i know is that Gods throwing me through some crazy stuff these days. Im not saying im not loving but im also saying im not hating it. Who ever said Gods road would be easy right? I'm pretty sure it may be the hardest road traveled today. I do know one thing im ready for whatever he throws my way.

I hope.

Innocence.

I wish innocence was something we had control over. I wish it was something we could keep in our possession and loose it as we please. Not have to leave it up to society, parents, friends, media, t.v., radios, schools, or movies to take it away from us.





I feel like today's kids are deprived of there innocence at way to young of an age. Image, populairty,sexuality, etc., is pushed on them at far to young an age. My 8 year old sister has learned so much just from watching tv that she has more sass than im pretty sure i had at the age of 14. She's already caring about what she wears and how she looks, ive over heard her say phrases and words that i deffinately did NOT say at 8. And it breaks my heart. I feel like having innocence is a special part of growing up.





Honestly, i wish i still had all mine.


Now, i understand that you loose innocence naturally as you grow up. Obviously we realize that its really not Santa Clause sneaking into our house, and its really our parents leaving us the presents under the tree. Or that there's not really a little winged woman who flys house to house each night collecting teeth and tradeing them from her endless supply of money. And we hopefully come to realize that there is no giant bunny that hops around on Easter morning, while we are all still asleep, leaving us easter baskets filled with prizes. These are things that just come to us with age. And thats acceptable.





I also realize that some people would not think i should be, of all people, talking about lack of innonce, seeing how i go to a private christian school. But honestly, im okay with the fact that i still have to ask dumb questions like if weed and crack are the same thing or many of the other things i've asked before. Im alright with not knowing all that. I also understand that with age comes responsiblity and some things people expect you to know, things that force little chips of your innocence away. Also, i know that some people are born into families where innocence is ripped away at a young age and they have nothing to do with it.





But, i wish that we could keep the faith of innocent children. Ones who don't see anything wrong with going to talk to the not so well dressed man on the bench. Or the ones who don't understand why anyone would hurt them if they walked away from their mom in a store. The ones who trust and hang on every single word you say. The ones who look up to their parents and know that no one could surpass how great their mommy and daddy are.

This where i am truly thankful that times have changed and im no where near the age of having a child. Sure i know i could raise a child, helping raise little brothers and sisters prepares you more than you would believe, but, how do parents decide what they are going to let there child watch? How much is to much? Do you let them believe in santa clause but not the easter bunny? I dont know. See i think that there is such a fine line between whats okay and whats to far. Some kids i have grown up with are so sheltered that i fear for them even attempting to enter the real world. Then theres other who know way to much at such a young age that i fear for what they may think of the world. It's such an oppinonated thing. Crazy.

SO if we were as innocent as we once were, do you think we would be stronger in our faith? We wouldnt have all the bad things to worry about. Children dont see bad in the world. Only good. So we could never ask the question " why would a good God let something bad happen." We would have complete trust in him. Which i can personally say is a pretty big struggle of mine. We wouldnt have the daily doubt of will he still love me after i do this, because for all we know, well some of us, hes going to love us even more than our moms and dads, and well heck, they sure love us alot and we think there the best in the world then WHO KNOWs how awesome God's love is going to be.

Oh, to be as innocent as a child. What a gift.

2 Timothy 2:22

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Avalanche.

The million dollar question of the year seems to be "what college do you want to go to?" Which could also be translated-"what do you want to do with the rest of your life?" Which at 17, i think someone has forgotten to show me where to buy the

"what to do with the rest of your life" book. Im starting to get worried.

Your entire life your told, make sure when you pick a job when your "grown up" its something you love, because you cant be happy if you dont love what you do. So thats the path i thought i would go down. Did people forget, on purpose, to not put a warning label under that statement? "Caution: Sometimes the "real world" wont have a job for what you love to do, and if they do, hah, well good luck trying to get it." I hate that 4 years of torture, and what can end up being 4 years of mistakes or 4 years of working your butt off, helps a board of important people decide if your equipped to go to that school. Frankly, i dont think thats how it should be gone about at all. No wonder so many people dont want to go to college, or are classified as "trying to find themself" when there searching for a college. We have people right and left slamming doors in our faces. Were constantly reminded of the one class we didnt really care about sophmore year, that dragged down the number that i cringe everytime its braught up, gpa. We have to make a decison that effects a large portion of your life, wait sorry, i mean to say the REST of your life. AND the best part is when you do decide what you want to do, you do decide where you want to go, what you want to do in life, or better yet where you feel God is calling you. Your dreams are set. You know its going to happen. You can feel it with everything thats in you. Then you break the news to people and it feels like they basically just punch you in the gut with there reaction. "your no where near good enough for that" is what they basically try to get across, in a nicer way of course. Or better yet is the comparison game, thats always a fun one. Where you are reminded with in a 10 minute time span, of all your smart friends, what colleges have already offered them a chance at success, and there perfect life there going to lead and then its turned back on you, so they dont forget to include you,of course, where they bring up everything on your list and compare it to the worlds and go

"O, sorry, looks like your not qualified to fulfill your dreams, keep looking kid."

Or the best is when you can tell someone doesnt believe in you.

Thats the ultimate right there.

Who wants to feel that? ever? lets keep that in mind next time were telling someone there not capable, because frankly this is what i want to scream in everyones faces

"Sorry, i have the power of Jesus Christ in me, and nothing on this earth will keep me from completing his will."

but of course i dont, and i polietly keep my mouth shut.

Thats what dragging me down. I know this Story isnt about me. Its all about God and bringing him glory through it all. So why, when it seems that im set on following God, everyone has to rip me in shreds to pull me farther from him than where i was before?

I think i wept for the first time tonight.

I've had my share of crying before, no doubt about that, but never like this.

I've had my share of crying for spiritual matters, never, ever, like this.
THIS was new.

And probally one of the most heartbreaking, bring you to your knees, head to the ground, feeling like theres no end to tears, moments of my life. I know, sad right?

Anyways. Basically i had a long talk with God. We covered alot too. And ive decided to change alot. For starters im not going to sit around and let people tell me what i can and cannot do with my life. Im also not going to let them tell me what path i need to take, what college i can and cannot go to and all that jazz. Im sick of living for myself and other people. Ive never prayed like this before. I know im saved. Ive been saved, for quite some time actually, but i think if i had to pick a term it would probally be rededicated? would best describe it.

Im done trying to live my faith on my own. Who ever put that thought in my head in the first place? Someone, please, go trip them. Because thats what i feel like has happened. Someone tripped me and its taken a while for me to get back to my feet. I've realized i cant do any of this on my own. NO matter how many people try to tell me " you just have to put your mind to it and you can do it." sorry, thats a lie. Maybe put your mind to christ, focus in on that first. Then give it a shot. there you go. that might work a little better. Im done living this way. Im ready to do anything and everything for God. and through him.

All A's my senior year? okay i can make that work, only through God though. Living for God not myself? only with his help. i DEFFINATLEY cannot make that happen on my own.

Relying on Gods truth, Gods word, Gods promises, Gods everlasting love, that will not let me fail, will not let me go, will not cut me down, hang me out to dry, or leave me feeling like i have no purpose to even try. THATS what im going to hold onto to get me through all this. Sorry satan, you lost this time.

No mans voice or action, anything you put me through, any thought you put in my head,

sorry its just not going to cut it this time.

While thinking that my eyes had been some how magically connected to a waterfall, this verse came to mind and i knew i had nothing to worry about.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

the wonderful topic of LOVE

So.i was thinking the other day, in a wild assortment of thoughts, about love.

Go figure the subject of a teenage girls thoughts. But seriously. I was wondering about obsession and love. Obsession is considered a bad thing. People who are obsessed are engulfed with one thought, one person, one thing. So can love be considered obsession? Love is one of those sacred things that seems to make things right. So how can it be confused with obsession, which normally is not considered as a good thing.

In our society today, young girls are taught the form of love that i think can be mistaken as obsession. We are taught that you need a guy to make you happy, and once you have one, he needs to be your every thought,and the reason for everything you do, the reason you get up in the morning , the last thought before you go to sleep. So, it should'nt be so uncommon for girls to become obsessed with love.

So is the next thing that people become obsessed with the idea of love? It's shoved down our throats all the time, so we learn to think we need it to survive. Not realizeing all the people we have with us daily who outpoor love on us. But some of us become obsessed with the idea of having love. If were not in love, nothing can be right. They cant be happy without it.

So what if we turned all this obsession for a love to God? If we yearned for a love with him. One that consumed everything :thought,movement, action. But then could that also be a bad thing? Obsession is considred a bad thing. It envloves the mind mostly. So could being obsessed with God end up being a bad? Satan was obsessed with God he wanted to be like him, then he wanted to be even better than him. So could obsession with the only perfect thing twist our broken human thoughts? So maybe love and obsession should be left alone, on their own. Maybe its time we start defining the differance. Sure its fine to be completly happy with one person. Its fine for them to change your mood, or to consume some of your thoughts. But maybe if we were completly in love with God, the thought of being consumed with anything else but him would seem stupid.

In the book im re-reading right now, Redemming love, one of the main character's tells his wife he doesnt want to be the god of her life, just apart of it. He wants to share in her life, love her the best he can but praise God while through out it all. It was an awesome picture to me. We should never let anything take any morsal of a spot that belongs to God. They can just run along with us in our journey with falling more and more in love with God daily.

I leave for a missions trip to Alaska at 11:30 today. I'm so excited. It's going to be amazing i can feel it. I hope God uses me to the max in anything and everything that could possibly be done. I'm praying for a safe flight and all that. Im bummed summers over though. I get back a day before school starts then i enter the big bad world of being a senior. My highschool years are dwindling fast. I have to live this year up. Scary to think college is just around the corner. Im ready for it though. I'm extremly sad i have to leave lindsey for a week. Sorry linds, try and have fun with out me :( AND casey. your crazy dont loose your phone again EVER k? its killing me.

love to all ill be back soon. Keep the team in your prayers if you can. :]

The After Life.

Death: It's something we are all destined for and is the leading cause to 100% of the people that leave this earth. So why are we all so shocked by it? Why then, do we mourn the lost of loved ones so much to the point its unhealthy? Why do we want everyone that means even a small morsal to us, to be stuck on this earth, in whatever situation they might be in, why would we want them here with us just so we dont have to live with out them, instead of them being free of this mess and onto an eternity of paradise?

Could the one subject of death be the ultimate example of our selfishness?

Of course, its completly natural to be upset over a lost one, but if we KNOW there a christian and we know were saved, then really this isnt saying goodbye, more of a "i'll see you soon." So do we display our human tendancy of selfishness and "i want what makes me happy" when death is brought on? Personaly, i think so. It was kind of a personal revelation today when i thought this up. I heard a sermon last night at midtown about being content in every circumstance. No matter what. Good times, Bad times. Everything. If we are content in Christ at all times, what then could rob us of our joy? Nothing on this earth would have that power. If we were all content in Christ would we be so selfish as to wish that someone suffering to the point its killing them to stay on this earth just so they dont leave US? Rather than them being set free to live with there creator, pain free. I don't understand it. I will admit that saying "i want to be content in Christ at all times, no matter what is going on" is ALOT easier said than done, but imagine if a small group of people did do that. The ripple affect would be earth shattering. That's one of my new goals. Seems a little more dominant compared to the other ones now that seem childish.

Ecclesiastes 7:14 (NIV)

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider:God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future

My great grandpa was pronounced dead at 1:25 today. just as i finished typeing everything above this. At 93, he's lived a long life. One that many people will remember. He served in the WW2 and was a passionate lover of golf. To me, he was like my personal popye, laugh included and all. He even had the tatoos, the bald head, he cooked AND even in his 90's he still had the muscle arms. The laugh was just the cherry on top. He had a sense of humor too. One that could get anyone laughing, no matter the age. He was loving and gentle and someone i'll never forget. I dont want to remember him how i last saw him. He was in more pain than i ever want to witness anyone i love that much in. This slapped me in the face when i thought about how God had to watch his son die. How mind boggling is that? I had to watch my grandfather, hooked up to machines, barely strong enough to hold his head up, bu still managed a smile, and i thought i wasnt going to last? How much of a pathetic human am i? My mom, who drove up to augusta late last night when they got the call that he had less than 24 hrs to live, said that the whites of his eyes were now black and he wasnt blinking, and she was pretty sure he had gone blind, around 1:00 he was being kept alive by his pace maker, and they were waiting for the docter to pronounce him dead. They were just waiting on him to stop breathing. I was praying with all my might over here, but i wasnt sure what to pray for.

Do i pray for strength? hes holding on by a hair in more pain than ive ever witnessed, and im praying that God will give him what he needs to endure this? Or do i pray that he will give my family strength for when he brings him home to paradise? Do i pray for contentment that they will be able to see the light side of this that he is home now, pain free, IN PARADISE shareing his popye laugh with everyone. Now that hes released from this, im praying for wisdom. I know exactly what i want to say when my parents come home and have to break the news to the rest of my brothers and sister. I know exactly what i want to say when i have to see my dear gradma, one of my role models in life, and i have to see her broken down for the lost of her earthly father. Do i keep my mouth shut and wait for the right time to say that now is when she needs to depend on her heavenly father? or that we can be satisfied in Christ becasue he, unlike humans, are not going anywhere. And he will always bring us joy no matter WHAT the circumstance. I think im going to save it. For a day or so at least, i dont think today would be the right day. I guess now i know to pray for comfort then the right words.

So one last question. Is it wrong of me to be this calm after a death of a loved one? That im sitting here wondering how to say everything? Or is this where the strength of Christ comes? im not sure. I know one thing. I really dont want to voice the fact that im this calm. That im releaved that he isnt suffering. Yes, i will shed a tear when i have to think back that ill never get one of his hugs, he was one of the best to get a hug from, and im sure i am going to break down when im sitting at his funeral. But these feelings wont all last. They are unreliable just like everything, but christ. the song in christ alone came to mind when i finished typing all this.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,This is the power of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath.Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home,Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

If you think about it, could you keep my family in your prayers?

sorry, your just one person.

SO. I decided i wish there were more hours in the day. I need about 8 more to everything i need done, finished. I had little brawl with someone i will leave unmentioned about how i busy myself too much. about how i need to stop planning things so i can help out at home and so i can have some down time. but what if i dont want down time? i like being busy alot and overwhelmed with planning service projects. there statement really, is what lit my fire when they said "your just one person you cant do it all". well amen to that. im just one person who is trying to make a differance, trying to show people that teenagers dont fit into the normal status quo, that we can make a differance. im going to make a differance. i continued in this argument by saying that if i walked around with that attitude, along with all the other people who have that same look on things, nothing would ever get done in this world and things would never change. its hard when your trying to serve your God and people who you have to listen to are you pushing you away from your goal. when there telling you you cant, you dont have time, or it just doesnt work out. how can we keep this fire if we dont have people spuring us on? whats amazing is most of them are involved with the church and just because im not graduated from high school with a college degree and tital to my name, its out of the norm and not acceptable for me to plan and do a service project. seems a little wack to me.

Bevens Love

so..there's this girl named brittany. and i love her a lot. she means the world to me and she has been an awesome friend to me since the 7th grade. :] we've been through a lot and unless ju-ju bugs come to life, i plan on knowing her for a while.

bevens -- next time your on my computer...you might want to sign out. just a thought. let that sink in. :]

iloveyou!

urgency.

Apathy: noun

1.absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2.lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

I think that america is cursed with apathy. And most people that would say they are not apathetic are only concerned with themselves. Which is what is sending america into a downward spiral. We are taught that success is key. You NEED to look perfect, in looking perfect that will help you find the right people you NEED to associate yourself with, in spending time with them it will lead you to being noticed for your status among people, which will lead you to a high status job, which leads you to millions of dollars that you dont need all for yourself which in high hopes leads you to your soul mate who has a higher status job with you (of course)so that they can with out a doubt support you so that the two of you can have a bunch of perfect little kids and live happily ever after. All of which i think is crap. Partly because i want someone to sit me down and explain the deffinition of perfect because until i know amercias definition of it i cant even begin to get started on the next thousand steps that lead you to a perfect life. Which, on a side note, if you look back all are self centered and only focus on your well being in life. Go figure.

The only thing i know of that is and will always be perfect is Jesus. Which is awesome because nothing compares to him. Nothing can give you the satisfaction like he can. I think its him people are searching for. They know somethings missing, cant put a finger on it so they add more money, more houses, more everything that we are over consumed with thinking it will fulfil there empty feeling.

What if, i may be going out on a wild limb here, America took the chance to look to God to fulfil there emptyness. Because if he is the only perfect thing then really you cant consider success with out him, can you? What if we all gained an urgency for God. Instead of looking to ourselves and what we can do to satisfy OUR needs we'd be looking to help others, which alone, would change ALOT of our problems we have now. The list goes on at the possiblites of change.

Thats something i would love to see happen.

As one of by fare the best bands, in my opinon, have said " God i am losing my apathy and God i am gaining an urgency." What if that was our modo. rid ourselves of apathy and gain urgancy for the only thing that falls under the catagory perfect.

Which leads me to another thought. I think that we should change the definition of perfect. Instead of me just typing it in to dictionary.com and getting 15 possible answers i think it should of popped up as

1. God

and that be the end of that search. That would probally help alot of other people out too.

This is kind of hard. I translate better through words but, trying to turn it from just brain storming and random thoughts i have to translate it into something thats readable. And on top of it being readable it has to be easy to follow. Which the way my brain works is not easy unless you understand my thinking pattern. SO its like i just translated my thoughts not only into english but also french spanish and korean. yay for being bilengual.